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Icarian Malady
`
When I found the time to be
I found that time had passed me by
When my dreams had set me free
Life set its bounds upon the sky
Should my spirit soar above,
the sun above my wings did pluck
Should my soul find love,
you'd find my cards had no such luck.
Though we predict the end,
we jump into the cloudy veil
We quest for dreams, traverse each bend;
the seeker's heart in us prevail.
`
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
or Icarian Melody of the darkentide poems.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Mon, 2011-03-28 04:59
I think,
I think your poem is saying though it speaks of failure, we must make certain our poems succeed. well writen and thought out.. Regards Roscoe
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
crypticbard
Mon, 2011-03-28 07:26
thanks roscoe
yes it speaks of failure in general but of extraneous forces and circumstances that often can work against success, some struggle just to breathe more than others, and some quite literally. My gratitude for your reading and response. :-)
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
crypticbard
Tue, 2011-03-29 06:22
thank you dearest
may the poetic winds be kind to us all.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
Licia Daniels
Mon, 2011-03-28 08:28
Nice one
A few suggestions to the ending, if you may.
First off, I would lose [ ] . No need for a separation, as the first part flows well with the ending.
"Bound" breaks the rhyming sequence to "end". Moreover, 'bound" already appears in the second stanza.
And though predictable the end
we jump into the cloudy veil
we quest for dreams, traverse each bend
the seeker's heart in us prevail.
A neat and polished write. Well done.
Diana
crypticbard
Tue, 2011-03-29 06:26
Thanks Diana
The [ ] were indeed part of the first draft.
Quite right you are, I left the rhyme pattern there without meaning to.
Will tweak and post up the subsequent rendering. Cheers.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
crypticbard
Tue, 2011-03-29 06:33
Thanks JC
Shooting over kindest gratitude.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'