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Occasional Heartache

Sometimes in the tired darkness,
stumbling on a grasp of yearning
older than times spent
in remnant memories,
stars wonder at my absence,
their shine so cold
above a crescent moon
adrift in ragged clouds
as air grows cool
across forgotten prairies.

It whispers through the unseen trees
and I,
a thousand miles from ocean,
from life,
listen to the rush of wind
and ache,
remembering salt air,
the gleam of moonlit water
and the sound of surging sea.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Thanks for your kind comment. his one came to me last night, as I climbed out of the car after work, at about 1:30 AM.
I'm glad it had such an effect on you!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Jim if i may offer this verse as an alternative for your perusal, i like the poem very much and feel this may help the finish . Regards Roscoe..

It whispers through unseen trees
and I,
a thousand miles from ocean
from life,
listen to the rush of wind
and ache
remembering the taste of salt air,
yearn, to see the gleam of moonlight
on water and hear to the sounds of
a surging sea.

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Thanks much for your suggestions, I will give them thought. I am glad that you enjoyed this one, my friend.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

We poets can all relate to this poem,
how beautifully you place yourself neither here nor there
and we float like your thoughts through it with you,
and the last lines are so evocative,
and although simple have their essence, the taste,
the smell, the sounds and the sight all in one gasp.

"remembering salt air,
the gleam of moonlight
on the water,
and the sound of surging sea."

Love to you from Annof Norway

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

It was in my mind when I got home from work, and I sat on the hood of my car, listening. I guess I caught then moment, huh?
Glad you enjoyed this one so much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

the sound of a stiff breeze through the pines and the way a winter sedge field rolls in the wind are what remind me most of the sea. i feel all people carry a bit of the ocean within. Oh,yeah fine poem ....................stan

Thanks for reading and enjoying.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

sincere applause..you take the reader in the corridors of your mood...

raj (sublime_ocean)

My gratitude for your emjoyment. I am glad you found my poem worth clapping for!
Thanks

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

You know I love when a writer can delve into his own mind and write so well of what it is he is feeling and thinking like you have done so here. I had a vision also of it as I read it. There is one tweaker (you know me with my perpetual eyes) in this line

across forgotten praries.

across forgotten (prairies)

Blessings and a nice read for me today

Love at ya guy (just like a sis:)
Mona

Tweaker updated, lol.
Thanks you for enjoying my poem.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

from your poetic voice I had always assumed you were Irish or Scottish (that is a compliment) and then I read your profile for the AEC, Would never have guessed you were a bloody American!

I love the humble hubris of
stars wonder at my absence,

and I like Roscoe's suggestions.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I am both yank and pommie bastard, Jess; born in the USA, raised in Northern England - Yorkshire - and the Scottish Highlands. When it finally came time to decide upon a place to settle, I chose the USA. Mainly because I ran out of money, and was forced to stay for long enough for it's ideas and principals to get stamped on my heart.
I am glad that you enjoyed my effort. Regarding Roscoe's ideas, I incorporated one of them, and edited the second stanza with them in mind, but I am trying to avoid being prosaic, and I think the tacit implication of which sense is used for which experience does the trick!
Thanks for reading Jess.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I felt a sense of freedom reading this, It's well constructed and cleanly written, no changes needed .

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Thanks very much for reading and enjoying.
I must admit that I was quite suprised by this one myself, after I wrote it, then left it a couple of days before reading. Your comment is interesting, for I got that same sense when I read it, almost as if I had stepped out of myself and was looking back in, if that makes any sense!
Thanks again, I am glad that you enjoyed my effort!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

This is one of my favorites, I think.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

a thought that immediately came
to mind on reading this ...

is line 7 necessary?
reads to me, as a [very] minor case of
gilding the lily

the first 5 lines of this write
are quite wonderful
simple words...yet written in such a way
as to elevate the meaning beyond the norm

i felt a sense of almost repressed / desired freedom
when reading this

i'm thinking ...a great write?

need to read it again
in a day or 2

i LOVE it when poems make me think

cheers
p

Yeah...I had a particular visual image for the first stanza, which is why I included that line.
But "aglow"...now I'm not happy with it, I'll have to think of something else.
Thanks P...as usual, Aussie incite and commen sense, heehee.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Hi, I read this and got that goosebump feeling when emotional poems get to me my skin tingles..the only thing I might suggest is the in your first stanza, although quite good, I think perhaps the overuse of 'gerunds' or 'ing' end words detract from the power of a very good intro. I think if perhaps you could find a way to get rid of some and use 'ed' instead, it will tighten up that opening. All in all though I enjoyed it.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Goosebumps...ooh yeah, to me that's what a good poem does to you, it makes you shiver, makes your mind go "wow".

Gerunds...it was in my mind that the first stanza needed present tense, to capture the image properly, and elicit an emotional response. I'll have to think about that.

Glad you enjoyed this one. I'd like to know what you think, when I edit this again, in a couple of days.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Always happy to stop in again Jim

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

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