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Paradise

Paradise

Why didn't I see what was happening
My attention had been too distracted
Towards toxic danger I was attracted

As I tasted those fume-filled lips
I knew it was death I'd kissed
Her poisonous lips and venomous fingertips

(chorus)
When you made love with me
We shared a chemical melody
And now I've tossed it all away
Turning our paradise into tragedy

(chorus)
When you made love to me
We caused emotional harmony
And now I've thrown it all away
Turning our paradise into misery

The situation fell from my control
I was looking in the wrong direction
Taking the risk was my fatal addiction

As I tasted those fuel-filled lips
I knew it was death I'd kissed
Her venomous lips and poisoned fingertips

(outro)
Chemical melody, tossed away into tragedy
Emotional harmony, thrown away into misery
This obsession will be the death of me

© 2011 hoodedstranger.com

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I have posted this elsewhere, and somebody suggested it was about trying to give up smoking!...it isn't. regards, HS
Editing stage: 

Comments

it was about racing cars, or motorcycles, and maybe having an accident. It does sound like it could be about quitting smoking though. Or maybe loving someone who smokes. Anyways, it sounds pretty good, and makes a person wonder what it really is about. ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
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Gee,

the more I read this one the more I am convinced it was about smoking!!...maybe I went too far with the fume-filled lips...I was trying to show the poison...but not the cancerous smoking version!! Lol! I think I failed with this one!

Glad it sounds ok anyway - thanks for dropping by,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Shirl,

yes i guess the woman/women in question could be considered toxic...but this is more about the man's obsession to sleep with other women when he actually had the best woman alreday at home.

This isn't about me before anybody starts questioning my own morals.

Glad you connected with it.

I think it might need a tweak here and there and prevent any more smoking connections!! Lol!

thanks for the comment,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Dan,

The Toxic angle reminded me of the Britney Spears song LMAO !!!!

The only thing I would change about this one is some of the grammar, but you will most likely say , that you used the words in question, for a good reason, LOL. So I'll just say that i enjoyed it, great work as usual.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

Britney Spears!...now that is funny!

Shame you won't share your potential changes...not sure how I can improve this if you don't tell me. The whole point of posting is for feedback and suggestion...otherwise there would be no use in me posting my work here.

You enjoyed it...thanks.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Sorry if you were offended , i just couldn't find anything to change.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

you said you had some grammar changes...it would have been useful if you told me what they were.

Really don't worry about it.

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I'm really sorry about my behavior, i'm just really depressed at the moment, i can't really think straight.

ive changed the bits i was talking about.

Love Lou

Why didn't I see what was happening
My attention had been distracted
Towards toxic danger I was attracted

As I tasted those fume-filled lips
I knew it was death I'd kissed
your poisonous lips and venomous fingertips

(chorus)
When you made love to me
We shared a chemical melody
And today it's all been tossed away
Turning our paradise into tragedy

(chorus)
When you made love to me
We caused emotional harmony
And now I've thrown it all away
Turning our paradise into misery

The situation is out of my control
I was looking in the wrong direction
Taking the risk was my fatal addiction

As I tasted those fuel-filled lips
I knew it was death I'd kissed
your venomous lips and poisoned fingertips

(outro)
Chemical melody, tossed away into tragedy
Emotional harmony, thrown away into misery
This obsession will be the death of me

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

thanks,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I was thinking of changing some of the lines about a bit like this

"Towards toxic danger I was attracted
My attention had been too distracted
Why didn't I see what was happening

tasting those fume-filled lips,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"

the rest works really well as I see it
the outro I really like ,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Zigs,

thanks for reading. I like your take with the suggestion for the first two stanza's...I could make that change to the final two stanza's before the outro, as well. You have me thinking now because your suggestion doesn't affect the structure of the song at all.

Kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

I thought I had commented on this poem/song. I wonder what happened to it... Or maybe I am just a ditz, lol. My favorite lines are:

When you made love to me
We caused emotional harmony
And now I've thrown it all away
Turning our paradise into misery

The situation fell from my control
I was looking in the wrong direction
Taking the risk was my fatal addiction

As I tasted those fuel-filled lips
I knew it was death I'd kissed
Her venomous lips and poisoned fingertips

Yes, sex can be an addiction, and a very powerful one which can destroy relationships. Sorry it took me so long to respond, but I thought I had. I have no suggestions, only appreciation for the work. Great job, once again!

love, Cat (not just another groupie, my number is high up there, lol!)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Cat,

I missed this comment from you - apologies for late response.

Glad you liked this one - Addicted to sex, and in the end ruins what was already a perfect relationship. This isn't about me, I just wrote it for no apparent reason.

Kind regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Made me think of a sexy devil of a temptress on a motorcycle.These lines reminded me of Alice Coopers song "Poison" a little bit "I knew it was death I'd kissed your venomous lips and poisoned fingertips", lol.I very much liked this and can't wait to hear it put to music.

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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

KZ,

Yes it does have a feel of Alice Coopers 'Poison'...I hadn't noticed that before. If I record this and it does half as well as AC's Poison song...I'll be able to retire!!

Sexy devil of a temptress on a motorcyle...that fits really well with the theme...I'll make sure I have one of those in the video!

Thanks for dropping by,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

This is a terrific song Dan I can hear it as I read,
ad see the film beside you in surrealistic manner
on a screen while you semi dance-mime the words in the song.

Greta stuff Dan, swinging LuvAnn

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Ann!,

you have given me a huge smile with your comment.

I try really hard to make the words have a music feel to them for the reader...I am so glad you felt/heard it.

We have never recorded a video for our songs...but we will do so as at somepoint as we have a film dircetor from US who wants to do one for us. The band wrote about 6 instrumental tracks for the directors film and he couldn't afford to pay us but promised to record us a music video. He keeps asking us...so you may just see this one in film!!

Oh hang on...what's this talk of semi-dancing? Lol!...I will be hiding behind the microphone stand looking embarrased and certainly not dancing!

Lol!

Thanks for your comment you have made my day!

much love,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Rosina,

glad you liked it. I do like your last line...that is a good suggestion!

Thanks for dropping by.

We are having a huge thunder storm here right now...have you had it yet?

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment
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