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Moment

Submitted by Hooded Stranger on Mon, 2011-02-07 11:01

Moment

I open my eyes as the blackness behind my eyelids
becomes illuminated by a bright and piercing light
The planet of flame fills me with warmth and colour
that settles my mind into a calmness of tranquillity

I capture the sounds of birds dancing happily from
branch to branch, singing at the morning's birth
A gentle mandolin wind swirls small wisps of
sand, whisking them to settle on the waves

The ocean is quiet, with just a shallow abrasion
of the water enveloping the polished pebbles
A vessel rocks with the slow tempo of the tide
travelling away towards lands beyond the horizon

I raise my hand to the brow of my face to block
the rays of sun allowing me to view the beach
No clouds break up the perfect sky of light blue
I inhale, taking in the taste of timeless paradise

I slide my hands under the white sand and allow
the cool grains to fall slowly between my fingers
I wade into the clear water and allow the lush
liquid to caress my toes cleansing away my woes

Nothing can break this moment of solitude on this
island of myself where nobody can reach me
I absorb the emotion where I am at one with myself
and dissolve into the placid moment for evermore

--------------------------------------------------------------------

(hidden verse)
The acidic smell of gasoline fills my senses and
awakens me to the false reality in which I hide
I flick the titanium lighter and a spark roars before
my stinging eyes, I inhale and join the planet of flames

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

I am not known for writing poems of this nature. I wanted to give it a try and now I have done this draft I can't decide if it is utter nonesense, or not bad. I would appreciate any suggestions/comments to help make this better. There is a deeper darker layer to this one too! - The twist that some have asked for...is now added - thanks - HS

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Mon, 2011-02-07 11:17

Dear Dan,

Within reading a few words of this piece, I became aware of how different this piece is. It is peaceful on the surface, yet (it might just be me) it feels as if there is a deep current running beneath. You know I would offer suggestions if they are called for, but I cannot suggest changes on something which I view as perfect.

Nothing can break this moment of solitude on this
island of myself where nobody can reach me
I absorb the emotion where I am at one with myself
and dissolve into the placid moment for evermore

This is almost like a suicide note. Say it isn't so! Even though, I liked these lines best.

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-07 12:14

Cat

Cat,

thank you for your comment, not sure about 'perfect'...but I'll take the compliment and run up and down the beach naked jumping for joy anyway! LOL!

Suicide note...now where would you go and get an idea like that from...I would never write anything dark like that! Lol!

Thanks for reading and looking at it with your Eddy Styx mirror shades on!!

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 12:40

Shirl

Shirl,

It was Raj that kind of gave me the idea. He had been in contact with me regarding 'dark' writes and it dawned on me if he was going to tackle the dark, I should meet him halfway and enter the light. Lou also sprang a challenge on me to write a less dark poem too.

Raj has already read this so I know his thoughts on it.

Welcome to the darkside by the way, I'll save you a seat.

Thanks for the kind and generous comments about this one,

regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

mand

Mon, 2011-02-07 11:49

Hi Dan

This one set my imagination on fire. Out of the darkness into a moment of vibrant paradise.

I could almost picture a vessel slowly drifting, going out on the horizon, it sounds as if you have been transported to another reality - an island where no one can reach you.

I loved the imagery and the calm, placid journey.

Thank you for sharing.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

2nd stanza, third line down = wisps ( typo I think )

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 12:39

Mand

Mand,

once I left my dark retreat and stepped onto the beach my imagination also ingnited. I really wanted to give this a chorus and a bridge and break up the stanza's into equal sized verses...but I told myself to leave all that behind for a rainy day.

I am not comfortable writing like this, but it was a refreshing change.

I just wish I could find this island!

Thank you for your kind comments...and embarrasingly for the typo!

regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-07 12:19

Shirl

Shirl,

Raj now has secured himself a place in Hell right next to me...I haven't old him that yet...I think I should tell him gently!! LOL!

Now you are going to get yourself in serious trouble if you start offering your 'Pink Paradise of Fluffy Goo'...you naughty girl!!

LOL!

LOL! again!

regards,

HS (almost wetting himself!)

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

mand

Mon, 2011-02-07 12:22

I'm glad you entered the

I'm glad you entered the light.Lol

it's wonderful - keep this one as it is ( only my opinion ). Maybe do a spin off - a separate stand alone one.

It would be ashame to change this one.

Love Mand xxxxxx

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-07 12:27

Mand

Mand,

as my chief editor for the day, would you tell me if this should be 'become' or 'becomes':

I open my eyes as the blackness behind my eye lids become(s) illuminated by a bright and piercing light.

I can't decide!

I don't intend to change the poem unless I receive a suitable suggestion that would help the poem without taking away the feel of the words.

Raj won't let me give this a chorus or even a bridge!! Lol!

regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

mand

Mon, 2011-02-07 13:24

Hi Dan

I'm definately no expert but I think "become" is grammatically correct and I think "eyelids" is one word.

Good!! It's too precious to change. I'll give Raj a pat on the back for that. lol

Love Mand xxxxx

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-07 13:59

Mand

Mand,

I will go with 'become'...until told otherwise.

Eyelids is indeed one word...thanks.

Raj does deserve a pat on the back, without my interraction with him, I would never have written this.

regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-10 15:20

amalzamani

Dear amalzamani

now you've mentioned it, I think it should be 'becomes'...gonna change it right now.

Thanks for letting me have some kind of song on my posting.

I don't speak Arabic...but it does have a good up-beat feel to it, and I enjoyed the video too. What is the title of the song when it is translated?

Thank you for my gift, very kind of you indeed.

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Sat, 2011-02-12 08:38

Thanks for the title.

It is always odd listening to a song when you don't know what it means...it could be about wearing pink slippers and running naked down the road!

I am happy that it is not that!

Lol!

Thanks again,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-14 01:34

Translation

amalzamani,

thanks for the translation. I am actually liking this song more now I know the English version of the lyrics.

Cheers,

HS (not wearing pink slippers today!)

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

raj

Mon, 2011-02-07 13:18

Poetry In Motion

Dear Dan

It is always overwhelming to see, hear, inhale, touch and feel the moment between darkness and light created by the Almighty

AND

you have captured that sacred serene Moment so incredibly well in this write that one can see, hear. inhale, touch and feel that moment in all its beauty, mood, essence...

THERE IS NO EXAGGERATION IN WHAT I HAVE SAID...

because each verse tickles all the senses which is why i would rate this write very high...all the more because this style is quite the opposite of your preferred zone ...

in a nutshell .in my earnest opinion this truly is what is called POETRY IN MOTION

if ever you capture all those scenes you have painted in this write and superimpose it with this Poem you will agree why i said it is a poetry in motion...

though references have been made of me in some of the comments above...i wish to clarify to the readers that not a single word in this write belongs to me....i have never written something as beautifull as this...

my warmest regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 12:33

Raj

Raj,

as you know, we have discussed this one privately, so i wasn't expecting to receive any further comment from you. I am pleased you have shared the comments, especially with you using the 'Poetry in Motion' line. Poetry in Motion was the first ever release by my band, it was an EP with four tracks on it...each one was originally a poem, and then was turned into a song.

Thanks for your kind and generous comments, and please accept some credit, you put the idea in my head, then Lou challenged me to write a 'happy' poem, so off I went. You have also offered suggestions to word changes before I submitted too.

kindest regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

raj

Tue, 2011-02-08 13:24

Dear Dan

may be then you can convert this "Moment" too into one of your song tracks...i can hear you chuckle hearing me say that..perhaps because you devote that site to only a particular breed of songs...even then i would like to hear a song made out of this one...or better still a video as i suggested..it would be so very soothi9ng for the senses....

if as you say..this write is a product of inspiration you have drawn from me you still owe me nothing because you have given me such a lovely gift in the form of this poem....may be once i absorb this poem completely...i will draw inspiration from it and come up with some reflective write....

warmest regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:38

Raj

Raj,

I really wanted to not only break away from the dark themes, but also my lyric structure too. So for now this is going to stay purely as a poem. Now I feel a little more confident with this theme, I may well pen a song in the same theme.

My band isn't really one to sing 'lighter' songs...but to drop an occasional one in an album would be a good challenge. I will keep you posted. Thank you for your support so far with this theme and style change.

You have me thinking of doing this one as a spoken word poem and having a video with it. Not me in it, just tranquil scenes...and certainly as calm ocean with gently breaking waves...the sound of waves is quite mesmerising, so that could be in the background of the spoken vocal. You are motivating me already!

I am already thinking we should try a co-write...in this theme...but let me get a little better first.

thank you kindly for your comments and motivation,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

raj

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:47

Exactly

You said it Dan when you said..

"You have me thinking of doing this one as a spoken word poem and having a video with it. Not me in it, just tranquil scenes...and certainly as calm ocean with gently breaking waves...the sound of waves is quite mesmerising, so that could be in the background of the spoken vocal. You are motivating me already!"

believe me..it indeed would be very mesmerizing..

i can't wait for that to happen ..lol..

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-14 03:27

Raj

Raj,

I need to finish off the final recordings for the album and once that is done I will record this as a spoken word poem and create a tranquil background sound (waves) and add some images.

I have been busy building a website to contain my poems/lyrics/songs/short stories, so I will upload it to that site and let you know.

I worked on a co-write (Troubles) with Enda (ziggy) and the theme was the troubles in Northern Ireland and England. We are going to record that together as a spoken word poem. We thought it would work quite well with his Irish accent and my English one. I will add a video to that too!

Troubles: http://new.neopoet.com/node/1180

Thanks my friend,

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Workshops are now open:
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--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Mon, 2011-02-07 14:58

hi hood

hey what's going on here mate, lol what a shock to the system to see you
venture towards the light, I think the opening stanza sets the mood and
direction for this so well ,"A gentle mandolin wind swirls small wisps of
sand, whisking them to settle on the waves" love the imagery in those
lines,"Nothing can break this moment of solitude on this
island of myself where nobody can reach me" I like this line but where you
say "on this island of myself " I was thinking, on this island by myself but
maybe you were thinking something different all In all its quite impressive
and what I like most of all is the imagery ,,,,,,,,good one hood ,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 12:37

Zigs

Zigs,

apologies first off for not getting back to you sooner about the 'publication'...I was in hospital and am still recovering...back to full strength tomorrow.

I thought this would throw you, like Cat I bet you were waiting for the dark twist!...actually I wrote this as a suicide note, exactly as Cat picked up on, which is why I used:

"on this island of myself"

I didn't set out to write a suicide note style poem...I was really trying to stay happy with it. When it was done, I thought is sounded ok, but I then added a last stanza, which can still be read as part of the happy tranquil poem, or for those with a critical eye (Cat), there was the twist.

Glad you liked it,

regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:03

hood

I had no idea that you are in hospital
I can only hope your OK, I have read this
again and I can see what you are saying
about this one I should of seen it but my
excuse is I am working long hard days
this weather as it is building stone as I
do , keep well hood chat soon, don't worry
about the publication all in good time ,,,,,,,,,zigs

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:40

Zigs

Zigs,

I will email you today or tomorrow - I am fine though, no need to worry.

Working in this weather must be a nightmare!...take it easy.

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:51

hey hood

good to know your OK bud, take it handy
yes its not easy working out this weather but I
am built for hardship lol,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

lou

Mon, 2011-02-07 19:37

Dan

I thought that this was the poem from our challege ??

Great, fantastic, beautiful poem

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 10:59

Lou

Lou,

it was, but I had been toying with the same idea after discussions with Raj...your challenge knocked on my door at the same time.

I already know your views on this one as we have already exchanged views...but thanks for dropping by,

regards

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Workshops are now open:
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--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:24

Rosina

Rosina,

I wasn't comfortable writing this, but the comments so far seem to suggest it isn't as bad as I had first thought. I felt it lame and covering a well covered theme...and wasn't sure my version stood out. I am still not sure as I have been reading a lot more 'happier' poems and feel I have a long way to go before getting close to the more expert writers of this topic...but if you don't rty, you'll never learn...so this is my first tentative step towards the light...but I am wearing my shades! Lol!

I have just amended that 'morning's' typo - thanks.

Thanks for your kind comments,

regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:32

Yenti

Yenti,

I was worried about posting this one. It is common knowledge I write more darker themed poems/songs, so this was stepping out of my comfort zone. I even left my lyric structure out as well, so I really felt awkward with it.

Yes, my stabilisers are not coming off yet, I don't want to wobble up the road!

I know that the Workshops are currently being set up, so I will be looking for one about writing 'lighter' themes and using poetic structures rather than my predictable lyric structured ones.

I feel like I have just about got the engine running and it will get me from a to b, but it needs to be finely tuned before it runs at full potential. The best help I know of is simply reading more of the poems in this theme on Neopoet.

I normally avoid these sort of poems...because I was comfortable with the darker poems. But having read some truly stunning poems recently with a more tranquil theme has opened my eyes to another side of writing I should attempt.

Thank you for your comment, it is really appreciated,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Tue, 2011-02-08 15:44

Raj and Lou plural of muse lol

Are we your muse ? lol

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-08 16:03

Muses

Lou,

is Muses a word?

you can both be my Muses.

Lol!

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Psyve

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:17

Mnemonic

....and you can then call them "A" and "B" to distinguish between the two: Amuse and Bemuse

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:35

Psyve

Psyve,

that's brilliant!

LOL!

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Psyve

Fri, 2011-02-18 04:10

Hooded

To answer your original question though, the plural of "Muse" is "Muesli".
Sometimes had with milk (human kindness flavour), though I have seen some take it with fruit.... often not very sweet grapes.

;-)

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-18 05:24

Psyve

Psyve,

as usual, you bring a smile to my face.

Think we need to change your profile name to:

The Joker.

Lol!

regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Tue, 2011-02-08 17:20

Thanks

Thanks mate lol

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-10 15:27

amalzamani

amalzamani,

many thanks for the suggestions. I am going to take a good hard look at it over the weekend and see about incorporating you ideas/suggestions.

Planet of flame or flames?...both work don't they?...I'll add that into my things to do with this poem for the weekend.

Many thanks for taking time out to read and analyse...and give me a lot of work to do!! Lol!

regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-02-10 16:14

Dan,

I qoute:

"I am not known for writing poems of this nature."

you are NOW, heehee.

I find this peaceful, powerful, and very fulfilling. I don't think there is anyone who has ever enjoyed an ocean beach at dawn that has not felt what you have captured here. Well done.

I thought perhaps you could remove some superfluous words, but after reading this a couple of times now, I really cannot find any. The cadence of this is wonderful, and I would not change it.

The only change I would make is a minor re-arrangement of line 1, stanza 2:

"I capture the sounds of birds happily dancing from"

I would make it

"I capture the sounds of birds dancing happily from"

which gives the line a hard consonant sound in the middle that makes the cadence more active and focused, to me.

Good stuff Dan, it's good to read you, and read you doing excellent work like this.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Hooded Stranger

Sat, 2011-02-12 08:42

Jim

Jim,

so I am now known as writing these types of poems!..Lol!...oh well, the hood can come off everyy now and a again...it gets hot unger there!

Your line change makes sense, and even though it is a simple change it does make that line more focused. I will change that.

Thanks for the positive vibe...I will be writing more 'less dark' poems to see how it goes and to help me evolve and improve,

kindest regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
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--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Psyve

Sat, 2011-02-12 15:48

Dan,

VERY nice.

Interestingly enough, I read an undercurrent of "..This moment is just too perfect to last..." running throughout and I expect something dramatically terrible to happen immediately after the last verse ends....

The poem had a Sci-fi feel for me... I felt almost as if you were describing some Star Wars-ian landscape.... the vessel in the distance being a craft of some sort... not a boat as we know it... the sand between your fingers being time of idyllic peace running out before the full horror of death and destruction descends upon us. A bit like the feel we get as Russel Crowe runs his fingers through the tall wheat grass in "The Gladiator" in total soundtrack silence....

Hmmm....

Psyve

Hooded Stranger

Sat, 2011-02-12 08:47

Psyve

Psyve,

you are right about that undercurrent...and I so dearly wanted to add a major last stanza where something dramatic happened and turned the poem into a dark and twisted piece...but I held back.

The sci-fi feel - this never occured to me when writing, my mind was simply on the beach. having now re-read it with your thoughts, I can see how you got that Star Wars theme, and also the Gladiator scene too. The Gladiator scene is very powerful in the film, and the silence surrounding it made dying, a good thing to do.

Thanks for the comments and alternative viewpoint,

kind regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Kailashana2

Sat, 2011-02-12 13:09

Inside the silence of

Inside the silence of nevermore the balance.....the poet stirs the fire of his/her own destruction into sound.

"Keep your hands at the level of your eyes." ~ The Phantom of the Opera "Madame Giry" "He will burn you with the heat of his eyes."

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 08:45

Anna

Anna,

yes right now I am suffering from a 'nevermore' of balance inside my silent head!

Now stop reminding me about my inner ear infection and critique the poem!! Lol!

I have stirred the fire a little more by adding a final stanza!

regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Sat, 2011-02-12 13:23

HS

I have a surprise ending at the end of my happy, poem, dark minds think a like LOL !!!!

I like it but may be you could say.:

The acidic smell of gasoline (overloads )my senses and
awakens me to a( fake ) reality,( I crawl inside)
I flick the titanium lighter and a spark roars before
my eyes, I inhale and join the planet of (oblivion)

won't be offended if you ignore my suggestions .

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 08:48

Lou

Lou,

thanks for the suggestions - I need to think about them. I need to keep the final line as it is because it links with the opening 'planet of flames' from stanza one.

Thanks,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 10:08

Rosina

Rosina,

I couldn't help myself and had to add in the final stanza...which turns this around on its head.

I noticed Lou has a 'Dreamy' poem which also has a 'negative' ending...I prefer hers.

My dilema is when I post this on my website, should I use the 'happy' stanza's only, or add in the 'sad' ending stanza?

Brilliant!!...of course I am...LOL!

thanks for dropping by,

ps. CD is done and is being posted tomorrow morning.

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

raj

Sun, 2011-02-13 13:26

Dear Dan

I hope you are now well....the comments for this write are testimony of how good this write is...and i feel happy to note all of that ....

warmly...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 13:29

Raj

Raj,

my only worry is what YOU might think about the inclusion of the new last stanza?

Hope you forgive me!!

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

raj

Sun, 2011-02-13 13:47

Dan

are you referring to the hidden verse?...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:04

raj

raj,

yes the hidden verse. It changed the whole meaning behind the piece.

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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raj

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:44

Dan

writing poetry needs a freedom of thought..as long as it gives you peace so be it...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-03-01 09:21

Raj

Raj,

I do find writing in general "gives me peace"...it doesn't matter what the subject matter is, just the writing relaxes me.

kind regards,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Psyve

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:23

Interesting, that hidden verse...

Suddenly this becomes a "Chronicles of Riddick" sort of movie.... with the protagonist harboring a deep burning desire for self destruction...

I LIKE this option too....

Psyve

Hooded Stranger

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:38

Psyve

Psyve,

you and your Sci-fi!!...Lol!

I loved the Chronicles of Riddick...but I expected there to be more films...it is called the 'Chronciles' after all!

I haven't decided 100% yet if to keep the hidden verse or not.

Thanks,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Sun, 2011-02-13 14:55

hi hood

hood the idea of the hidden verse works for me as I read it
but the previous ending line sounds like an ending line, this
"and dissolve into the placid moment for evermore" but having said,
it still works as is so I've being no help to you mate ,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-14 01:36

Zigs

Zigs,

thanks for being no help whatsoever!!

LOL!

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-14 03:37

Jayne

Jayne,

how you doing?...been worried about you.

Have you made any more progress with the album yet? Looking forward to our joint 'world tour'...LOL!

This poem one had rather a lot of comments. It has been a bit of a social gathering...to which you are now a part of the party too! I think 'social gatherings' are also banned now!

Expect a knock on the door from NeoPolice...you used 'Brilliant' & 'Loved it'...that will be two consecutive life sentences I'm afraid. At least whilst locked away you will have plenty of time to write more poetry!! LOL!

Actually, and I digress, but it's my posting, so I will waffle on regardless...

...I have contacted a murderer in an American prison and we are going to write a collection of poems/songs specifically about him and the Prison. Hopefully covering all aspects; Why he did it, the guilt he suffers, what he dreams of doing when he is out, blah, blah. I am really excited about this as I have had this idea for years, and suddenly I was contacting him and away we went...well he didn't go anywhere...but you know what I mean! LOL!

Anyway,

thanks for dropping by,

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

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