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Heavy

Submitted by Hooded Stranger on Thu, 2011-02-03 11:51

Heavy

The weight of guilt
Hangs heavy within my mind
Gonna cut out my weary eyes
Suffer my life alone and blind

This weight of regret
Hangs heavy upon my soul
Gonna move on, far away
No purpose, nor control

It's too much
Can't carry it anymore
My body aches
My shoulders too sore

It's too much
Can't go on no more
I am too weak
This pain I can't ignore

This weight of doubt
Hangs heavy around my neck
Gonna jump from this height
And wash up like a broken wreck

This weight of sorrow
Hangs heavy around my heart
Gonna just slip away quietly
Nobody will witness me depart

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

Lyrics.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

lou

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:06

HS

This song is one of your best, full of dark feeling and regret. I know the feeling.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:39

Lou

Lou,

my response to you has fallen down a few doors!...don't know why.

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:26

well there a nice light hearted theme as usual lol,
these are my fav lines "The weight of guilt
Hangs heavy within my mind
Gonna cut out my weary eyes
Suffer my life alone and blind" love the way the opening
stanza/ intro sounds, ,,,,,,,,,,,hope your safe from the storm ,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:31

Zigs

Zigs,

yes a beautiful love song I decided to write, full of passion and lust! Lol!

I am quite excited about this one having heard the demo to it already. Long orchestral intro and atmospheric synths give this an almost chilling sound.

My ship is still in turbulant waters, but I found a safe haven where other lyricists reside.

Thanks for reading,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

ziggy

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:35

hi hood

your response to my comment I liked this
"My ship is still in turbulent waters, but I found a safe haven where other lyricists reside. "
I like the way you said that, so this is in demo form good stuff will read again with that intro in mind ,,,,,zigs

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:38

Zigs

Thought you'd appreciate that!

Will PM you later mate,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:27

Lou

Lou,

one of my best!...I am not so sure.

It was written to a specific tempo and was created specifically to be recorded. It needs a bridge to round it off.

The theme is nothing new - but it covered exactly what I wanted it to.

Glad you enjoyed it,

regards,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:55

Shirl

Shirl,

please don't cry...it's just words.

I had the title before I had any idea what to write. I often do that...it keeps me challenged.

Thanks for dropping by,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:51

HS

i fellt that you covered feelings we all feel at some time.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 12:56

Lou,

what is up with the positioning of your comments and my responses?

I guess we all feel these at some point in our lives, just some of us more often than we would like.

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

raj

Thu, 2011-02-03 13:59

Dan

the heaviness of sorrow is so vividly expressed in this write...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 14:02

Raj

Raj,

yeah, it came out heavier than I had imagined.

Thanks for for the comment my friend,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-03 20:37

Chrys

Chrys,

I seem only to be able to do dark, sad and morose these days...the music is coming!

regards,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Fri, 2011-02-04 01:19

HS

I've got another challenge for you, ill pm you about it ,

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-04 04:55

Lou

Lou,

I wish you hadn't PM'd it...a worser (I know that isn't a word, but it tells you what I think of the latest challenge) idea than the "hey Dan, why don't you write a rap song!"

Thanks Lou!

regards,

HG
(Hooded Gangsta)

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

lou

Fri, 2011-02-04 06:16

Sorry LOL

You know you don't have to do it, hehe

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-04 16:35

Lou

Lou,

will never turn down a challenge, as long as I have enough prozac handy!

Lol!

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

crypticbard

Fri, 2011-02-04 05:11

This journey

swept me away... for some reason. "Nobody will witness me depart" will stay with me until my very last breath. Probably one of the primary reasons I have chosen as a child to pursue art, literary or otherwise, is an innate fear of invisibility and not having one's existence validated and witnessed.

__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-04 16:37

CB

CB,

actually, that last line is the most important for me...it's not my farewell lyric, but certainly a departure of some kind.

I wrote this one with no heavy burden at all, I just made it up and the more I wrote the closer to some kind of truth it became.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

crypticbard

Sat, 2011-02-05 02:09

This departure

is very intriguing. Unveil the mystery please, PM me if necessary

__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-04 16:39

Rosina

Rosina,

I have been on-line, just not here. I wrote three the other day one after the other...and this was in my opinion the weakest, so i posted to see what reaction it got...I am pleasantly surprised too.

It reads pretty sad doesn't it...which is odd because I was quite happy writing it...a rare smile upon my face...or was it a grimace!!

Lol!

Thanks for dropping by,

Will respond to your emails over the weekend,

regards,

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2011-02-04 09:37

Dear Dan,

Like Shirl, I cannot pick out a favorite stanza because they are all excellent. "Heavy" is a great title for this morose piece. It resonated with my mood today, and you know the reason why my heart is "heavy" on this day of the year. I have no suggestions for you as I feel that you have attained perfection with this write.

lovin it, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hooded Stranger

Fri, 2011-02-04 16:43

Cat

Cat,

glad you liked the title and poem/lyric.

I should have perhaps left it a while before posting, as I know why your mood is as it is today.

It was a little thoughtless of me, but you know it wasn't written with any connection to you, but of course the words are a little close to home.

Perfection!...ok, you're right, I am perfect...Lol!

kind regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

infinite_dwarf

Sun, 2011-02-06 18:55

Dan

Have you ever read the book 'Atlas Shrugged' by Ayn Rand? For some reason the first few stanzas reminded me of that book. It actually intrigues me, the thought of what would happen if the working class who is carrying the burden of all the others, just says fuck it, and sets their load down - and watches as it all crumbles.

Oh yeah, the poem....

That last stanza literally brought tears to my eyes. Like CB, I'd like to be included in the knowledge of what this 'departure' is that you speak of. Definitely very dark and heavy stuff here. In all honesty, I don't like it. It's kind of like a double edged sword - the wording is masterfully created, and the wording is also the problem. I'm sure you understand.

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-07 17:31

Jess

Jess,

I haven't read 'Atlas Shrugged' by Ayn Rand...but I am curious now, so I will download the e-book shortly.

This one wasn't supposed to be 'Heavy'...I was writing two others at the same time and the off-cuts were used to create this one. Thus it made sense to post the weaker one to obtain critique and feedback in order to improve it.

I understand your comment...glad you didn't like it!...Lol!

regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

infinite_dwarf

Mon, 2011-02-07 16:18

Dan

It's not light reading, we'll put it that way. It's well over 1000 pages, and there is a LOT to be read into. Lots of innuendo. I'll give you the short of it - you know of Atlas, right? Carries the world on his shoulders? The middle/working class of America is supposed to be Atlas - carrying everyone else (very similar to today, actually) they never get a break, are overtaken and pushed around by the wealthy (sound familiar?) blah blah blah. A fellow named John Galt comes along, and basically says, what if you just 'shrugged', and watched the world crumble? Meaning, why doesn't the working class stop working so hard. Atlas 'shrugs', world falls, yes? Google 'Objectivism'. That's Rand's entire philosophy. Well, was... she's quite dead at the moment. It's one of my favourite stories, and in fact, I'm in the process of re-reading it.

Hooded Stranger

Mon, 2011-02-07 17:33

Jess

Jess,

I now have the book...so will read it just as soon as I have finished 'between a rock and a hard place'.

Thanks for the synopsis - sounds like my kind of book.

regards,

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Workshops are now open:
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

author comment

Neopoet

Heavy

Comments

HS

Lou

hi hood

Zigs

hi hood

Zigs

Lou

Shirl

HS

Lou,

Dan

Raj

Chrys

HS

Lou

Sorry LOL

Lou

This journey

CB

This departure

Rosina

Dear Dan,

Cat

Dan

Jess

Dan

Jess

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