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Heavy Heart
every tear is a burning fire
that turns a beating .........................................................heart
into ashes. dodgeing glances
feeds the insecurity making intimidation................heavier
over struggling lungs. gasping for mercy
but mercy is more rare......................................................than
a kiss from gold.
the pleading grows strong enough to bend..................lead
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
just came to me... just a string of words.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Starlight
Fri, 2012-02-24 14:52
Thanks:)
thanks for reading
great to hear feedback!
emogothgirl
Fri, 2012-02-24 10:44
i agree
with mark except for the "taking it lightly" part. words just come sometimes, and if they come from buried hurt or just that place you unconsciously keep rhymes, only you know. great work.
always,
mag
Starlight
Fri, 2012-02-24 14:51
haha
thanks Margret >:)
Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-02-24 11:34
Hello Star,
Very nice, and I like the presentation. Favorite lines:
into ashes. dodgeing glances
feeds the insecurity making intimidation................heavier
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Starlight
Fri, 2012-02-24 14:50
always,
great to hear from you :)
thanks a bunch. ♥
Starlight
Fri, 2012-02-24 20:54
thank you
thank you so much for your encouraging feedback :)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-02-24 22:52
hello
Sometimes the poems which I put the least effort into bring the greatest response. So don't be too fast to belittle a poem just because it came out effortlessly. I like the word as opposed to letter acrostic form. I would never have thought to use it. Only thing I'd suggest is to line up the acrostic words directly below each other but that's just a personal opinion....................stan
Starlight
Fri, 2012-02-24 23:16
thank you
thank you for the opinions. i will remember this next time
loved
Mon, 2012-02-27 09:51
iT IS INDEED
a pleasure to learn
the world has given birth,
to such lovely creative poets like you .
For me you are like a creative wonder,
like a volcano,
about to erupt and explode
poetic minds
to fragment human thought
into a creative venture,
of unique poetry .
God bless you
loved
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-02-27 12:44
Star,
I like what you did with the writing of this poem.
My Grandaugther wrote something like this last year and I posted it here.
For me it is such a pleasant surprise to see young people write so well, it mean to me that the written word is not lost. I have copied and pasted my grandaugther poem for you to read, her name is Isabelle Pacis.
Nature’s Might
Mother earth teach me your ways,
Away
We go to meet your children,
Earthen
My mind and make me become one with you,
Too,
Many things to learn, but I wish to know,
Show
Me the world beneath my feet,
Greet
Me with your arms of light,
Smite
Those who come to abolish your knights,
Might!
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-02-29 23:17
wow! I somehow suspect
you don't even realise how powerful your expression is.
That last stanza is brilliant poetry
a kiss from gold.
the pleading grows strong enough to bend..................lead
gold shines, but is as soft and malleable as poisonous lead.
this structure you are using with the end words extended beyond the line, yet cohering is very clever. You could work with it more but don't restrict yourself to it.
May I suggest you read "Howl" by Ginsberg and I could probably recommend a few thousand other poets and poems.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Starlight
Thu, 2012-03-01 07:34
awesome
i will be sure to do that! thanks for reading and the compliments...... i tinker with form a lot but some of it comes out funny....and i am not daring enough to post them.
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-03-01 07:49
post them!
the worst we can say is they suck! [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
loved
Thu, 2012-03-01 07:55
You are in the hands
of a maker .
Help thyself
not many do.
loved
Starlight
Thu, 2012-03-01 07:54
very true
but i don't want to suck!! :P