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Mathew

Submitted by Starlight on Fri, 2012-02-24 23:29

They saw you as a single atom of this earth,
in my eyes there was no defining your worth.

Ready for laughter, always your smiling face,
around you everything was lined with grace.

i wish there was a reason for you to stay,
that i could say how much i miss you each day

memories of you are now flawless works of art
that hang with beauty on the walls of my heart.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
for my brother.♥ i love you.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Sat, 2012-02-25 05:27

Roscoe Lane's picture

I hesitate to give criticism, as i fear this may be a very personal piece. But i have some ideas to share that may inhance this beautiful poem.
They saw you as a single atom of this earth,
in my eyes there was no defining your worth.
Ready for laughter, always your smiling face,
around you everything was lined with grace.
i wish there was a reason for you to stay,
that i could say how much i miss you each day..

the finnishing two lines are perfect in my eyes. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Starlight

Sat, 2012-02-25 08:03

Starlight's picture

dont be hesitant i like honesty. and that sounds much better , i think i will change them now :)

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Starlight

Sat, 2012-02-25 08:04

Starlight's picture

thank you mark

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-02-25 13:31

Candlewitch's picture
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A lovely tribute. I enjoyed the read. Your brother must be very proud of you.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Starlight

Sat, 2012-02-25 13:58

Starlight's picture

for reading :)

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Eduardo Cruz

Mon, 2012-02-27 12:08

Eduardo Cruz's picture

fourteen years lod and written like this, I am so impressed. My granddaugther whose thirteen writes also, but you are in a place by yourself at fourteen.
Eddie

A big hearty welcome to neopoet
"land of the freed peots"

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Starlight

Mon, 2012-02-27 15:05

Starlight's picture

thanks so much, :)

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loved

Mon, 2012-02-27 12:57

loved's picture

memories of you are now flawless works of art
that hang with beauty on the walls of my heart.

this reminds me of a poem
i once wrote at your age
then
The Truant
my ma'am took it away..
today its just a memory
down bitter memory lan
no copy held

loved

Starlight

Mon, 2012-02-27 15:07

Starlight's picture

thanks for reading. :) ♥

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loved

Tue, 2012-02-28 13:43

loved's picture

do read some
which are consequence of a teenager's inspiration
you are a great source of light
for dying flames

loved

emogothgirl

Wed, 2012-02-29 08:20

emogothgirl's picture
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it's beautiful.

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-02-29 23:21

weirdelf's picture
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in a poem.

This is the least of your works I've seen. It feels a bit like a teen lament, though well written.

It's ok to post everything if you can take the heat for what doesn't quite work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Starlight

Thu, 2012-03-01 07:31

Starlight's picture

for reading. feedback is greatly appreciated .

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