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To the Sea, My Mistress... [January contest]

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2021-01-12 11:18

Grey-green mounds of water
Capped with pale white froth
Move smooth beneath a leaden sky
Struck by lightning, made to broth

Deep, it holds its' secrets
Holds them down and close
Sunken dreams, drowned it seems
Drunken gods, verbose

She's a cruel and dangerous mistress
She tempts you with fair skies
Balmy breeze, such a tease
So pleasing to the eyes

For sailors on the boundless sea
The water's a living thing
Mates for life, it's their wife
Whatever she may bring

So, when I die and pass away
Down to Davy Jones I'll go
I'll join his crew, like we all do
That's a sailor's life, you know?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Just wondering about the title. Thank you for the ideas about my title. I decided to take the middle road and re-title it. Hope it works. Also thanks to Rula for catching the plural-rhyme.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Out At Sea
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Tue, 2021-01-12 12:51

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Hi, Geezer,
I know very little of a sailor's life, but the essence is certainly captured here, and more. I enjoyed every word of this. There is something deep in there that holds the reader - wonderful language.
Maybe: Sea, My Mistress or My Mistress, the Sea?
Thanks!
L

Geezer

Tue, 2021-01-12 17:29

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to make the title a sort of a pun or something. As in: See my mistress; meaning she's the boss. I will think on your suggestion of changing to My Mistress, the Sea. Glad that you enjoyed this. Thank you! ~ Geez.
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author comment

Teddy15

Tue, 2021-01-12 13:17

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Mistress sea, could work ? For the title
Oh Geezer I love this, Kudos on the 2nd stanza
A billiant write full of character, just what I love to read, your rhyming is wonderful. And a great theme. Best of British sir! That means good luck.

Thank you...Teddy

Geezer

Tue, 2021-01-12 17:37

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I am always so glad to have you read and comment on my work. [Mostly because you are so lavish in praise]. LoL
I am a bit of afraid of the sea, I never venture far out when going to the beach, especially after seeing 'Jaws'! I have been out fishing on a charter a few times and loved it! I think a lot of that is because the mates take care of the cleaning of the fishes and all you have to do is reel them in. Thanks for the good luck wishes. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Teddy15

Wed, 2021-01-13 01:43

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I said the same sort of thing on my sea poem, I have to say that I think Jaws really did mess with my head, I'm in total agreement, although I don't mind the odd snorkel.

Thank you...Teddy

Geezer

Wed, 2021-01-13 08:53

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with snorkeling, you have your face and eyes beneath the surface and can see what's going on. I don't know what I would be able to do against a big shark, but I would at least like to have the chance to do something. I hate the idea of being surprised and eaten before I could do anything. ~ Geez.
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author comment

Teddy15

Wed, 2021-01-13 09:11

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LoL would anyone? The idea of seeing him though that may be worse I have only ever snorkelled in places that are quite safe from sharks. Well I haven't been gobbled up yet!

Thank you...Teddy

Rula

Tue, 2021-01-12 15:14

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My only suggestion on this is to keep your perfect rhymes all through by modifying (eye) to (eyes)
Just a suggestion you know. Great personification of your mistress. Best of luck.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Geezer

Tue, 2021-01-12 17:41

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Yes, I missed that. I will certainly put that plural ending on. Don't know how I missed that. Thank you for the good luck wishes and the comment about my perfect rhyme.
~ Geez

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author comment

lovedly

Tue, 2021-01-12 18:11

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show don't
see
but you have a vast sea
she
winner may you be
Gee
there is no entry
by me

Teddy15

Wed, 2021-01-13 09:21

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I like trying my hand at titles as you know,

How about....... boundless........
Or .........Down to Davey Jones........
Just hope you get a bit of inspiration for a new and stronger title, for a very beautiful poem

Thank you...Teddy

Ray Whitaker

Wed, 2021-01-13 09:46

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Mellvile is who this reminds me of. Nicely done!

A great contestant in the Jan contest!

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Geezer

Wed, 2021-01-13 20:07

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Wow! Melville huh? I could deal with the fame of that one! ~ Geez.
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author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2021-01-13 20:04

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this one "To the Sea, My Mistress" Thanks for your ideas though, and I like them enough that if I hadn't already chosen a new one, I would select one of them. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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author comment

Teddy15

Wed, 2021-01-13 10:22

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Looks much stronger and I like it very much

Thank you...Teddy

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