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Hurricane Irene
Heaven's thrown a tantum
Earth follows with small fits
Winds throwing punches, then
The trees with stronger hits
I hear of all the black outs
Annoyed by a leaky ceiling
Been under eternal battle with this broad
When will this end is my only feeling
Under God's eye like a microscope
Waiting for his work to pass
Will it be like Noah's Arc once more
Watching one world perish and kissing another's grass
Desire for the sun's smile
Away with rain sadistic ways
August 27 reliving my birth
Frankly I've seen better days
News reports linger, all's in a frenzy
Taming the seepage takes everything in me
The morning breaks the tempest
Minds and bodies are serene
Natural Disasters in our rear-view
As we say adieu to Ms. Irene
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I wrote "Hurricane Irene" on my 21st Birthday. The birthday where you celebrate taking your first drink or visiting a casino. Nope I was stuck in the middle of a storm.
Editing stage:
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Comments
wesley snow
Fri, 2017-06-09 13:14
Proofread it.
Typographical slips distract from the form. Good meter for the most part and as always a good subject.
I appreciate the rhyme structure. You have a talent there.
A personal complaint: I truly don't like the capitals at the beginning of each line. I prefer to see the grammar determine where the capitals go. This use of capitals is an old format whose time is come and gone.
However, it is your poem after all and if that's the way you want to go who am I to argue...
Glad to see you continuing to write even as we work together on the structure of poetry.
Thanks too for sticking with me even though it's hard.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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T. Harmonee
Fri, 2017-06-09 13:55
Well I actually wrote this 6
Well I actually wrote this 6 yrs ago, on my 21st Birthday.
Most of lines are seperate thoughts, ending at the end of each line.
"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou
Race_9togo
Fri, 2017-06-09 13:44
I like,
But read it aloud, and you'll find the failings in cadence.
Nothing else to say; if your working with Wes, you're in good hands.
Welcome to Neopoet!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
T. Harmonee
Fri, 2017-06-09 13:57
Thanks
Thanks.
"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou
T. Harmonee
Fri, 2017-06-09 13:58
Random
Not to get off point. But does anyone by chance know how to space the signature out from the rest of your message?
"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou
jane210660
Fri, 2017-06-09 16:55
Yes
Put in a couple of blank lines and then a few lines. It gives it some distance then.
I've done it on mine.
Jx
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wesley snow
Fri, 2017-06-09 15:51
Heaven's thrown a tantum
Tantrum needs an "r". That's what I mean by typographical errors. It's good that you post older poems. As they say.... a poem is never finished, only abandoned. Good you do not abandon an older poem. As we progress as a poet it's good to revisit old works and bring them up to date with our present level of expertise. I edit old poems all the time.
This one is quite good and deserves a second look.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
chevyvent
Fri, 2017-06-09 16:53
Very Deep Expression Of Thought
Nature's beckoning call.
To choose the way of the positive force is essential when dealing with disaster,
The morning breaks the tempest is such an exquisite art form.
Full of honest to goodness emotions in this timeless piece.
Thank you for the unique opportunity in conveying your work here.
Mario Vitale
T. Harmonee
Sat, 2017-06-10 22:00
Thanks, I appreciate the
Thanks, I appreciate the compliment.
"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou