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Liquid Feelings

I swim in my emotions
Keeping against the current,
Pushing me down
Constantly crashing into the waves
Of my self- conscious
As many times as it rains, nothing washes away,
Slowly blends with the rest of these liquid feelings
Slushing through me.
I am a river.
Destined to the ocean.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Comments

A good start: self- conscious …… self-consciousness ...does that work better?

The river is your emotions metaphorically but what is the ocean? Your emotions and the river are reflective of each other and I know from what you have written you struggle with self consciousness
Your poem appears Neptunium.

Its all sloshing but I dint know what's sloshing

Are you afraid, depressed, weak, noun mental state
affection
anger
concern
desire
despair
empathy
excitement
feeling
fervor
grief
happiness
joy
love
passion
pride
rage
remorse
sadness
sentiment
shame
sorrow
sympathy
warmth
affect
agitation
ardor
commotion
despondency
disturbance
drive
ecstasy
elation
excitability
inspiration
melancholy
perturbation
responsiveness
satisfaction
etc.
Why, what drives you and why
.

Do you want to say I don't know ?

Break it down Let the reader in

Best Z

Thanks.
"Destined to the ocean" means my emotions are destined to keep deepening and getting broader which will leading to drowning.

"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment

can we hear your poems on the cloud?

I like your poem.
It is one well developed metophor.
A small suggestion, self-conscious is an adjective,
add ness to the end. It will not destroy your cadence.
I like your alliteration as well.
I have not seen you around much and glad to find your poem. Looking forward to seeing more of your writing.

IRiz

Thanks. I have quite a few pieces on the site. Thanks for the tip.

"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment

I understand that you are the river and are destined to be swallowed by the ocean of despair.
I would delete the word "Just", it does nothing to add to the idea and only serves to slow the reader until they understand that it is part of the sentence before it. Add the word "it" in front of the word "slowly" and I think that will solve the problem. ~ Geezer.
.

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Exactly.
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"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment

Always nice to see you!
You know as a short poem it's easy for me to read over several times, and each time I come to the same conclusion. This is really strong

As many times as it rains, nothing washes away,
Slowly blends with the rest of these liquid feelings
Slushing through me.

I'm not sure of the end in how it tries to justify the poem. River and ocean have natural symbolic content, it's unavoidable.
First by declaring yourself a river, it contradicts the first line, that you swim in your emotions (strong image!) as the river cannot "swim". And the relationship between the river and ocean needs to be defined. You are the river joining with the ocean of...life, love, faith? etc) we need to know that because the poem is about feelings, emotions. what is the connection of these emotions heading as part of a larger ocean?

These types of deep symbolic poems are hard, and I think you're getting somewhere very interesting here...I know it's so weird for me as I get sometimes locked in a poetic dialogue in which all the subconscious elements are reaching for that perfect fit. It comes...
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

A river is a smaller body of water verses the ocean which is a more vast body. I'm basically says that I'm destined to drown in my emotions, going from river to ocean.
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"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment
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