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Untitled
A whisper of breath
breaks the silence
A whiff of the sweetened air.
I stare.
...a strained gasp
The sun sweeps the room
caressing your skin
A caramel kiss I crave.
You stare.
...a soft smile
The dust dances in the air to the distant melody
Your hands in mine...
A yearning that echoes in defiance,
yet never came to pass
You fade, a remnant husk
A rift in what could have been.
An unfleeting memory
edged on the horizon of my mind
I remember. A hollowed souvenir
A flashback bereft of existence.
Spawned of my idleness
surviving only as a distorted antiquity
The cold reality closes around me
You were never mine
Just the whisper of another life
I dream had come pass.
LM 2015/12/15
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Between the line breaks and the wording, I am having a bit of trouble setting a pace and refining the tone. So much so, I can't even think of a title.
Editing stage:
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Comments
wesley snow
Tue, 2015-12-15 15:50
Bravo.
I must say though that it bordered western structure in its form. Elegantly written with style.
I can make but one suggestion.
Use "a" before a consonant and "an" before a vowel. The line below should read "a".
surviving only as an distorted antiquity
That's the best I can do.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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TheDarkOne
Thu, 2015-12-17 03:39
Oops. Thanks for that. I don
Oops. Thanks for that. I don't think I have had this much uncertainty about a piece before
wesley snow
Fri, 2015-12-18 14:43
Why?
It's as good or better than your other works.
Why the apprehension?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about