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Oblivion Stirs

My eyes open.
The deep dark, is vast and unchanging.
Memories trickle
I see nothing, fear nothing, feel nothing
Rejected by the empty sphere of Oblivion
I gasp,
  for air where there is none
Consumed and fatigued.
Yet no eyes to rub.
Sentience reignited
Yet, in the weakness and forgotten muscles, the tightening fist creaks
  only in what memory can tell
Thought galvanized
From the calm of the nothing
The wind silences
No echoes, only the cold, formlessness
A heart beat
  long faded into the abyss tremors
Memories throb.
I relinquish. Oblivion awakes.
MML 2015/03/26

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


With line breaks. It is good prose. It makes me want a little more. An adventure stirs and I want to be aboard.
However, as poetry it lacks any sort of rhythm. There is no "dance" in the line. It simply goes on wherever it wants to.
You don't need rhyme, but you do need rhythm. Something close to a consistent meter.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Hi Wesley.

I will consider the comments I got and see how to work them. It may be possible to reformat, a word or two there to help that flow. Although the wording itself should flow, the experience described would be as jarred as the words.

author comment

Now its time to expand on it. I'm a big fan of the idea of oblivion. Still this word as with any others that describe a place or an idea are open to interpretation. So while I may not define oblivion quite as exact as you do I am interested in your vision. I feel as though I got lost on this. Each start of your 2 5 lines sound like they could be starting a different poem rather then focusing or working together to make us understand. No eyes to rub and yet your eyes are opened . a mixed idea there. Can't tell if its intentional contrast or inconsistent ideas. Memories trickle yet you see nothing. Where are they trickling to or from if there is just void all around? If you can't see them it seems kind of irrelevant to the idea that is started in your first two lines. You may want to consider a story or plot for why you're there or something happening. Its very hard to write a poem about a place with nothing happening and catch the reader with it. For example, you wouldn't write a poem about just a desert sitting as a plot of land doing nothing just simply existing. Imaging you're watching a TV show and it just shows a lifeless motionless desert. Doesn't make a good show. But if you talk about the snakes or the cactii or the sand in the wind you'll catch the attention of the reader a whole lot easier. Dont JUST paint a picture, give it motion or subject Try to keep that in mind should you decide to revisit this poem for a rewrite. Or for any future poems.

Unto Oblivion, We Depart

Hi(yes, it has been a while).

I think perhaps I should review the write. The entire idea was waking from oblivion, nothing else existing until oblivion itself rejects you.

author comment
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