Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Title. Skippyl (horror story draft) New edit.
Orange pips.
Old brick.
I’m not insane
no matter what they say.
I ain’t been nuts a single day.
DW40.
Doorknob.
I've been trapped here quite a while,
but let me tell you of my style
and how the gods have made me serve their will.
Alters.
Scripture.
I read these books you see,
the best.
Idea books. Not like the rest.
Pig tails.
Edison.
You know how long it takes
to brick a wall while watch her shake?
Glad that’s done.
Darkness.
Waiting.
A long time at the door
despite he had a mighty snore.
Mind you I’m not insane.
Chocolate.
Knife.
Just escalate they said.
Just more and more dead.
That suited me fine
Felt blanket.
Sconce.
In the end I just stuck him.
No poetry, but just as grim.
Lot’s of blood there.
Big rope.
Strong wood.
Boring watching them twitch
and the biggest damn bitch?
It takes freaking forever.
Psych drugs.
More psych drugs.
I’m really not insane
no matter how it looks.
I’m just really bad and read a lot of books.
Oldest living.
Media.
It was hard to find an alleyway,
they all stand in the roadway,
but I did I have to say.
Gut.
Guard.
I'm free and ready for my work.
They hold me not the lousy jerks.
The gods say I have work to do.
Costume.
Stage show.
I thought about a mask one time,
but little offered chance to rhyme.
A half mask really when I choked her.
Once more.
Same thought.
That’s not the way it went on stage,
but I have got this awful rage
and didn’t want to take the time.
Hand shakes.
Who sweats?
I hang out at the airport now.
I’ll get it though I don’t know how.
This will be the best one yet.
Africa.
Civilization.
I’m sick and breaking out in hives.
What do you do with a fever of one hundred five?
I’m going to Disneyland.
Virus.
Ebola.
This trick is one of those
but once you can perform.
Or maybe I’ll return to norm.
Vigor.
Oo long tea.
I’ve done this whole thing just all wrong.
Where’s the beauty, where’s the song?
Let’s just start again, shall we?
Pistol.
Jody Foster.
Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2015-07-04 19:00
It certainly...
Is creepy! You could try Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and some of the murders that Sherlock has solved?
Or try looking up murderers on the net, like I have on occasion. The "Bloody Benders" for instance. or maybe one of the Jack the Ripper's murders. There are plenty of them one the net. I am imagining that any title will do. Oolong Tea or some such thing. I think it should be entirely unrelated to the story. It will add to the mystery of ;What the hell is he thinking? I chose Oolong Tea, just because it was something that caught my eye as I was drinking my cup of tea. I like the way that his mind wanders from subject to subject. Disconnected thoughts with the main theme of KILLING!
The pattern and rhythm is unique and serves the poem well. Great beginning! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
judyanne
Sun, 2015-07-05 05:26
creepy, as Gee has said
I love the disjointedness - gives emphasis (and maybe the lie) to the 'I'm not insane'...
Does it have to be literature murders? - there are enough, more than enough, examples of real-life killers.... Gary Ridgway, Ted Bundy, Timothy McVeigh... and don't forget the cannibalism ... Jeffery Dahmer, Albert Fish....
But if you really want literature... have you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer? -there's a very charming and interesting murderer there in Adam, a Frankenstein take-off, that was very interested in the inner workings of the body.....
Then there's Batman's nemesis - The Joker... a psychopath with a very warped sadistic sense of humour. ...
Freddy Kruger, who kills his victims in their dreams....
Texas chainsaw massacrer's Leatherface....also a cannibal...
If you want 'high' literature murderers, there's always Macbeth, Don Juan, Mr Hyde....
Or not so 'high' - Professor Moriarty, Tom Ripley, Mrs Danvers (did she kill anyone?) Patrick Batman, or even Psycho himself - Norman Bates....
.... then, there's always Grendal's mum lol
As for a title -- 'I'm not insane' seems to fit...
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Sparrow
Fri, 2015-07-10 03:43
Wesley
No wonder you seek help, I have asked some of my friends in white coats to attend to a certain horse whisperer before bothering to come to my door again.
So you have some bones there and a sadist to carry them, now we need to see more of where and who, where he is going and who he was or is.
At this moment, this is too cryptic to make proper sense.
"Contagion" would be a title but you will arrive there nearer completion, Yours, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Lonnie
Sun, 2015-07-05 07:58
Hey Wes
This definitely tells a story, albeit eccentrically erratic, about a person experiencing some form of mental breakdown, I think???? Anyhow, great imagery, just needs fleshing out a bit to make it more appealingly provocative! Just my humble opinion!
wesley snow
Sun, 2015-07-05 17:16
Okay, I've expanded.
I still don't know just who he is. Will continue working on it. Would appreciate comments on the new version.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Sun, 2015-07-05 19:08
Okey dokey (as Hannibal would say)
First thing, it's not DW 40 it's WD 40. Stands for Water Displacing formula #40.
Then "but once you can perform" a bit twisted. Don't you mean you can but once perform?
Other than that I think you might have done well in mirroring the chopped and disconnected thoughts of a serial killer. I know, I'm a cereal killer (often 2 bowls a day) and sometimes my thoughts are disjointed like that lol. An occasional random stanza break could add emphasis to the broken chain of reasoning...........stan
Sparrow
Fri, 2015-07-10 03:42
Wesley
Did you mean:-
DW40 Pressure wave switch, as your next line is Doorknob ???, That bit is OK but you need to be in the right club to become a serial killer LOL
I am not getting where this is a horror story in poetic form it is a narrative of events but nothing to frighten people about how they may be involved, it seems to be just about the singular person, let him/her escape into the world and wreak havoc.
Door thing fits though,
Yours reading bits, Ian
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
judyanne
Mon, 2015-07-06 08:11
really liking it
And love the title
But do wonder about the storyline
it seems to still be a list of murders and an insight into the killers psyche
but do I see the four compnents of storytelling? ... not sure as I'm no expert.... can you tell me?
Also, although there are a lot of half descripts of the killings,, I personally don't feel any sense of horror as I read - more fascination.... maybe today's exposure to these things has made me numb to suggested violence...
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
wesley snow
Thu, 2015-07-09 21:20
No, you do not.
As a character study... maybe, but story? Not a bit. And thank you for mentioning it. It bugs me, but this one wrote itself.
I should be called out on this and I have to figure out how to turn this chaos into something more coherent.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Seren
Mon, 2015-07-06 17:35
Hi Wesley
I know this is workshop material
But I had to poke my eyes in and have a read
what I read totally impressed me
Great poem my friend you just, get bettera and bettera lol
Big smile lovely to read you
Love Jayne x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
alidzain
Mon, 2015-07-06 19:12
wes
This piece is the mind of the mad man, his action but I felt that its a little too cryptic to be a horror poem. the disjointment in the words really described the insanity. Judy has given some good suggestion there.
He seems to think murder as an art - ,
''I’ve done this whole thing just all wrong.
Where’s the beauty, where’s the song?''
How about making him as someone like a rejected artist who is trying to prove his worth in his twisted mind?
Alid
lonlyhrtsclub13
Wed, 2015-07-08 21:30
This is good
I am getting a Poe type feeling from this. The drug induced stupor mixed with erratic thoughts and actions. Would love to see a story, a face or a name to put with this gentleman.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
Geezer
Tue, 2015-07-28 07:40
How about ...
if you have him having psychotic-episodes from this high fever that he has? He could have some exotic kind of disease that is very rare and comes and goes, like malaria does. When he has these
periods of breakdown, is when the disease is in full bloom. He could be a psychologist or psychiatric-doctor that caught it from a patient of his. Maybe someone who has spent time in New Guinea? I think that is where a certain tribe eats the brains of their dead and sometimes get this brain disease. Just thinking. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rula
Wed, 2015-08-05 17:03
I hate to say
This reads almost like a riddle. Probably only me.
However I liked the repetition of " mind you I am not insane"
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
wesley snow
Fri, 2015-08-07 15:44
I think it's crap.
There is no story structure to speak of, the rhyme scheme is weird (that might not be a bad thing), the poetry is a trick of word structure.
It is not poetry nor is it a story.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
judyanne
Sat, 2015-08-15 06:24
rhyme scheme is not wierd
How about an exposition written by a narrator.... a sort of 'let me take you on a journey' type thing....for example.... float above the city talking about serial killers... point one out who is hovering maybe in an alleyway ..... enter the mind of this person
then the piece you have ....see how demonic it is
Then a conclusion of sorts as the narrator seperates the reader's' mind from the killer's, knowing what he's about to do....
You could even write the narrator's part in royal quatrains :)
Just a suggestion to turn it more to story....
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)