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Yours

Submitted by ThisIsMe on Thu, 2019-10-17 12:42

You said you were sorry, 

You said you were lost

You said you would love me whatever the cost

You said you were lonely 

But I’m lonely too

I want to help you 

But what can I do?

 

What can I do? 

What can I say? 

I never wanted 

To see you this way

Your broken heart

Is now breaking mine

I'm falling apart but

I tell you I’m fine

 

I tell you I’m fine

So you’ll leave me be

You talk and you plead

And you prey upon me

I won’t be the culprit

I won’t do the time

I won’t let you win

Because yours was the crime

 
 
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

c lynn brooks

Thu, 2019-10-17 15:31

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to many I's and you"s and me's
honest would you like some help
you do have the potential to turn out good work

Chrys

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c lynn brooks

Fri, 2019-10-18 16:27

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you said you would love me whatever the cost
srry, lst lonely
I will not go any futher with suggestions as you asked for moderate critique
if interested contact me

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

Rottiestyl

Tue, 2019-10-22 19:35

Rottiestyl's picture

Of this at first glance. I also thought there were way to many you and I. However I liked it all the way through. Only one thought that may help a bit is to restructure the first stanza. It’s not as strong in words or meaning or rhyme as the last two. The last two are perfect for me. Use as much voice and tighter meaning with the first as the other two and I say your done.
But it’s just my opinion. Merely they way I would write it. YOU are not me. You like it, leave it. Great piece.

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

Geezer

Tue, 2019-12-31 05:30

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but this fits your style. I don't think that there are too many you's and me's. If you try to get rid of some or most of them, you will destroy the quickness of the work. I like it fine the way that it is! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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ThisIsMe

Wed, 2020-01-01 11:41

Thank you. I definitely see both sides. However, I agree that the way it is written fits my style more. I don't like internal complexity, but simplistic line-by-line narrative. I think the repetition of pronouns creates consistency and flow.

author comment

ThisIsMe

Wed, 2020-01-01 11:42

Thank you. I definitely see both sides. However, I agree that the way it is written fits my style more. I don't like internal complexity, but simplistic line-by-line narrative. I think the repetition of pronouns creates consistency and flow.

author comment
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