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To My Dead Love
Where is my body?
Where has it gone?
I can’t sing the tune
Cuz I don’t know the song
What is the meaning?
Please, tell it to me
So I too can be strong
And learn things from thee
If you won’t let me in
How am I to grow?
There are many things yet
I still do not know
Words whispered to me
Through soft lips long ago
And now here I am
Where else can I go?
Where can I go?
Who can I be?
When I do not know
And I cannot see
As blind as a bat
To the things up above
Forgotten by hope
And abandoned by love
Please take my hand
And guide me through
I cannot live
My life without you.
My life without you
Is an endless game
Of me running from fears
And confronting the shame
I cannot win
I don’t know how to fight
When I don’t know what’s wrong
Or what should be right
Right here I will lay
Til you can find me
Then you’ll take my hand
And we’ll both be free.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2019-12-31 12:24
A good...
simplistic poem that resonates with honesty about your feelings. The title interested me and brought me in. The logic seems to be good throughout and brings one to the end smoothly. The only thing is, it makes one think that the writer is contemplating suicide; something we don't want to happen. I get the feeling that even though it is what was intended, you aren't seriously thinking of it, just feeling like that. Good work! ~ Geezer.
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ThisIsMe
Wed, 2020-01-01 11:33
Re
Thanks for the feedback. I get what you're saying about it being kind of dark, especially at the end. However, I don't think that's a bad thing. Read anything by Dickinson or Bukowski and you'll be left feeling the same way. I guess it's a taste thing, but these types of poems are personally my favorite.
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2020-01-01 16:46
Oh good!...
Then you will appreciate my upcoming chat room. My co-host Carrie and I will be hosting a chat called Chat on the Darkside!
It is something I used to do a few years ago before we had a big crash and we lost our chat. Depending on how well attended, the chat will be at least once a month and possibly bi-weekly. I encourage you and others to bring your dark thoughts and ideas to be discussed. It is generally a free form program and we want to see all the dark stuff you've got! No set topics unless discussed before hand and brought to chat for a specific purpose. I'm sure that the chat will be announced soon and I would love to see you there!
~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.