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Twelve Lines
One heart, one head, one voice
Two people
Three reasons not to love you
Four reasons I should
Five friends tell me no
Six girls before me - wow
Seven "accidents" I can forgive
Eight will break me
Nine times you've said we're through
Ten times too many tears for you
Eleven long months I called you mine
But I'm over you in Twelve short lines
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
c lynn brooks
Fri, 2019-10-11 19:13
Me
I ike tor reasoning
would suggest a more inviting title perhaps 12 good reasons or something along that line
Chrys
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Barbara Writes
Mon, 2019-10-14 23:44
hi
it reads like a grocery list...but do you
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
ThisIsMe
Tue, 2019-10-15 14:21
the poem
Hey, thanks for taking a look at my poem. I was a little confused by your feedback though. Is it bad that it reads like a grocery list? The structure was intentional and integral to the meaning of the poem when I wrote it. How would I change this to make it better?
author commentBarbara Writes
Tue, 2019-10-15 15:52
hi
the numbering throw off the poetic feel of the poem....thus reads like a list....your poetic style is yours...i won't say it's bad..i knew it was intentional...it's your style to work with and make appealing for the reader...
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
c lynn brooks
Tue, 2019-10-15 19:35
suggestion
as before then change the title
perhaps rather the numbering your "lines"
what about spelling out the list
such as
one heart one hesd one voice
three reasons not to love you
etc etc etc
if you would care to see more of a rewrite or would I see so much potential in this poem
like help in a rewrite pls contact me I will be more than willing to help
Chrys
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Barbara Writes
Wed, 2019-10-16 14:13
hi
now that sounds good...yess
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
ThisIsMe
Wed, 2019-10-16 18:04
Re
Hey, thanks for the great feedback! I changed it up a little based on your suggestions and a few of my own ideas. Let me know what you think...
author commentc lynn brooks
Wed, 2019-10-16 19:53
beautiful
rewrite looks great title is a lot more inviting nice work
Chrys
check out our chat room open to all 24/7
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2019-10-16 22:28
hi
that's is much better..i see theme
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Geezer
Tue, 2019-12-31 05:24
Neat, concise lines..
Very well put together. I like the rewrite based on the critique. Good job!
~ Geezer.
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