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Words for a Queen

Submitted by marich7 on Sun, 2015-06-07 23:57

Pen burdened, for ink knoweth not the words to adequately define thee,

Thou art wise, knowledgeable, kind, studious, diligent, bold, fierce, desirable, admirable and just,

Breath holdeth not restraint when in thy presence,

Delight bindeth itself against thy countenance,

Radiance is thy pendant and it shineth brighter than the sun,

The heart doth make itself full with gladness at the sound of thy voice,

Thy beauty is like the spring and summer cometh at thy smile,

Were not the wings of an angel cast from the mold of thine?

Did not God take the mystery of the sea and hide it in thine eyes?

His grace hath He girdled about thy waist, the earth, she rageth not at thy step,

What wind quaileth not to the solemnity of thy spirit?

Humility, thy scepter, thou hath wielded it with much ease,

Thou art serene and peace remaineth ever at thy side,

All who know thee, hath known joy and the fullness therein.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wrote this for someone. I think it's probably the closest I've come to the direction I would like to go in as far as my writing is concerned.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

emeka ozurumba

Tue, 2015-06-09 04:22

emeka ozurumba's picture

that's a very good way of expression, novelty is required to avoid the Regina, but Victorian wont hurt, this is very good because i really enjoy classical works, highly admired by me.

Sparrow

Wed, 2015-06-10 19:26

Sparrow's picture
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A goodly walk among the Victorian poets words and I hope the lady loved it, I have written many pieces for people, but used my own style, so for you to write so we cannot fault your ways.
Poetically though the Victorians have now gone and only the classic ones written by the great Bard and those oft remembered from those era's but I think you will find no matter how good you can be , the modern you would better be,
Yours Ian

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Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

weirdelf

Thu, 2015-06-11 15:48

weirdelf's picture
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If that happens when composing try pressing Shift-Enter, instead of just Enter. It won't start a new paragraph and will make the lines space normally.

Otherwise I think the archaic language detracts. As Ian implied, by using such language you invite comparison to the giants of Romantic Poetry.

And it is very rude to criticise another person's critique, sorry emeka, this is not classical in form or structure, just the archaic language

cheers,
Jess
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