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This Addiction

Submitted by marich7 on Sat, 2022-10-08 12:22

One Kira Noir,
With some Riley Reid,
I know they're not real,
But they're real to me

Indulged in the vice,
Since the age of twelve,
Preacher preached sermon,
"You're going to hell"

Enticing allure,
Calling quietly,
"A little bit more,
Last time you'll see"

What is all of hope,
Trapped in misery,
Washed with bloody cloth,
Rinsed in secrecy

Natural or not,
It feels like prison,
Nothing free about,
This indecision

No moral question,
More of discipline,
Chronic offender,
Struggling within

Pardoned affliction,
disguised as self-care,
Sermon remembered,
"I'm already there"

These shackles remain,
Shame then self-deceit,
The only release,
To rinse and repeat.

By: Maurice Hubbard
Date: 10/08/2022

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I'm open to any and all criticism, but it's less about the poem for me and more about what's in the body. I'm working through something. A personal goal of mine. That being said, is the use of quotations bothersome or distracting to the reader? I like to tell a story with my work, whether personal or fiction. I want to walk you through it, but I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence. I only wish to express something and share it in a safe space. Thank you for reading. Peace, Maurice Hubbard
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-10-08 13:20

Geezer's picture
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The title is a bit bland; I would suggest that you add something to it.
Like maybe: [This Addiction] [What Addiction?] [An Addiction to My Addiction]

Your rhyme, [not free-verse] makes this an easy read and the meter is good.
The beginning is good and set the tone, so that it flows naturally to the end.
The use of quotation marks are hardly a distraction. If anything, they serve to
show which direction the thoughts implanted in your mind are coming from.

The internal logic is consistent and I understand where you are coming from
and going to. My intelligence is not insulted and I have had this conversation
with myself many times. I'm still addicted and not feeling particularly bad about it.
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

marich7

Sat, 2022-10-08 20:36

marich7's picture

Thank you for those suggestions. I agree. The title is a bit bland. I will consider your suggestions.

-Maurice

-Maurice Hubbard

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