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Shores of Mind
How tainted are they?
Off-white, worn, dry, surrounding,
Were these four ever to speak,
They'd utter grievances of a torn soul,
Scattered, humbled, then made anew
If pillows could but breathe sweet whispers,
Velvet shudders chiming,
Throughout the doldrums of crystal clear psyche,
Selflessly praying to a God, I fear, sometimes does not hear-but still...
"God, let that queen be her own queen and this troubled heart be.",
Unwarranted ramifications of actions yet to occur-haunting,
Truth bleeding from this pen,
As the lie dies and, I, along with it
"God, let that queen have her king, and this sword, sheathe.",
Doth not the songbird sing of happiness in sorrow?
Whence came the dawn? From her smile?
Was it not from her, the rose learned to be beautiful?
Were not the waters stilled?
Did not the ocean observe?
As she, at whim, strolled causally by,
On lonely shores of mind
What does one do with captured sunlight?
Embrace it like the moon?
"God, let that queen persevere, and this void, fill,
Let your grace be as myrrh upon her..."
"She was your finest stroke in all creation."
A walk that tames the wind,
Softest features-lips even softer,
Two lustrous eyes-foundation upon which hopes long to be built.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2015-06-06 19:38
I like what you seem to be aspiring to here, Maurice
Considering its classical nature I think a more structured form might suit it better.
I would definitely have a look at the number of questions here. Nine in seven stanzas feels a bit excessive.
A long time since your last post. Good to see you back. I notice you haven't given feedback to any other poets here. Yes, it's hard at first, try just acknowledging that you like something but the core of Neopoet is, see my signature comment below.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
marich7
Sun, 2015-06-07 23:39
I'm fairly unfamiliar with
I'm fairly unfamiliar with critiquing another person's work as I don't feel qualified to do so, but I will give it my best shot. I would like to grow as poet. I'm have a bit of writer's block as of late, and on top of that, I have my plate full with trying to finish school in a discipline completely unrelated to writing. I'll keep posting what I have and I will take a crack at critiquing as well. thanks you for helpful insight, and I will take a look at those things you made mention of. I'll be back for help probably as well.
-Maurice Hubbard
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2015-06-06 20:09
Hello.
You and I are just meeting. I'm Wesley and I've been around for a few years now. It's good to see some of the past members like you returning. I hope you stick around.
The poem was almost medieval so you had me there already.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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Sparrow
Sun, 2015-06-07 08:40
marich
After all these years of being a member.
I liked this one it just needs a little tidy and Jess has given good constructive critique.
I shall wait to see if you edit this one.
It is a shame that so many members as yourself just pop in as Feb 29th.
Would like you to crit some of my drawls when you have the time, Take care out there and keep writing, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-06-08 17:40
As for critique...
comment on what you know. Start with whether you liked it or not and don't be shy to tell them you didn't like it.
Next, discuss whether it sounded like a poem or was it just prose broken into line breaks.
These are things you already know and can address.
As you learn more there will be more you can discuss, but it will always be "comment on what you know".
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
emeka ozurumba
Tue, 2015-06-09 04:39
wonderful
very beautiful depiction, so nice, i loved this work, you're a star, and very in depth too , because the meaning doesn't only stretch the imagination for lyricism, it also inspires greatly to understand the sobriety and reflection of life, wonderful piece