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the wind might change
this fierce uneasy day
viciously hot
best left to dogs
paddling frightened dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees
somewhere smoke clouds mound
bruised orange, black and filthy brown
battered giants' fists-
of destruction
as the bush burns
I hear sirens
wailing frantic paths through roads
and tracks
congealed by terror and black ash-
everyone is leaving
but I still watch
and hope the wind might change
that some sweet hiss and hush of rain
will soothe and kiss and softly balm
this fierce, uneasy day
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This was written in a quiet, hot time last night, sitting on the verandah and listening to the chaos of emergency vehicles just within earshot. It was so peaceful (if uncomfortable) in my small, hot space, smelling the ash, watching the smoke clouds with the dog flopped at my feet, while not too far away was the destruction of bush fire
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
nsw, australia
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Too many influences, probably. Always listening to new voices as well as remembering the old
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Comments
sueb
Wed, 2013-01-09 06:49
gr8 poem very discriptive
gr8 poem very discriptive much enjoyed x
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-01-09 10:02
Great stuff! Beautifully written, powerful.
A significant and effective structure.
Extraordinary use of language, this sings poetically!
Just one line or image bothers me, I keep going back to it like a sore tooth
a battered giant's cleavage
I just can't fit it into my head. There is no reason why bushfire shouldn't personified as a malevolent female spirit, but a buxom one? Or am I reading it wrong?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jenifer James
Wed, 2013-01-09 14:00
Jess (and Frenchf) I hear you
Jess (and Frenchf) I hear you - I wrote this one so fast and didn't read it aloud. Once I read it aloud, the obvious errors hit me in the face. I think most poetry needs to read aloud - what do you think? I I know what i was trying to capture, but missed it. Thank you both - I need to sort it!
Jenifer
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2013-01-09 23:03
After many years of always reading aloud
I can now mostly read aloud in my head.
But still need to revert to vocal chords for tricky pieces.
Definitely recommended practice.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Frenchf
Wed, 2013-01-09 12:37
agree with Jess
I was enthralled by the whole without stanza 2 which to me added nothing and almost detracted from the rest of the lines
Jenifer James
Wed, 2013-01-09 14:17
Hi frenchf, I looked at
Hi frenchf, I looked at removing the second stanza before I posted it last night but have left it there at the moment with a word and punctuation change. Not sure if i want to lose it yet, or take it out and develop a second poem. The imagery behind enormous clouds smokes is unbelievable, so still playing. thank you.
Jenifer
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2013-01-09 14:18
Jenifer
The modified write takes this one to another level an excellent write, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Jenifer James
Wed, 2013-01-09 14:24
thank you Ian T - I
thank you Ian T - I appreciate your comments every time.
Jenifer
author commentIan.T
Thu, 2013-01-10 03:20
Keep Safe
To you all out there my thoughts go out for a safe day and night.
That the winds of change will be cool and sweet to your world in Australia,
In our thoughts always, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-01-09 23:08
Yep, thumbs up on the revisions.
Small change, huge difference.
I like the second stanza now and would keep it. Maybe even develop it, yes bushfire smoke and its effect on the light is a huge source of imagery.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Jenifer James
Thu, 2013-01-10 03:16
I have brought the title back
I have brought the title back to the softer last stanza, which sums up my emotions at the time - hoping that rain will come and pull back the fire. Not sure. I will probably put this poem away for a while and then breathe on it again. I have to do that sometimes just to see it clearly.
Jenifer
author commentTam the Chanter
Thu, 2013-01-10 04:41
danger
My first comment : BE SAFE
All else is but vanity.
Liked the poem a lot. Imagery very powerful and effective. Welcome aboard.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
Jenifer James
Mon, 2013-01-14 03:37
Yes I know - it's all calm
Yes I know - it's all calm here now but there is always a time when you think- this fire is SO much bigger than my small life, especially when the smoke comes. It's awesome (in the truer sense of the world)- it brings out AWE, how can this be? I find these situations scary, enthralling, and can make time disappear...and then you look up and say 'oh, maybe time to stop dreaming...doh!'
Jenifer
author commentSeren
Thu, 2013-01-10 07:11
Ello Jenifer
I was thinking of you last night when they mentioned Nowra I hope your safe and things are cooling down for you
I loved the poem but I had problems with the first stanza
paddling frightened dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees
I stumble when I read these two lines It maybe just me as I am the only one to mention it so if you dont agree with me just ignore it lol
stay safe
love JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Jenifer James
Sun, 2013-01-13 00:53
THank you - yes we are well,
THank you - yes we are well, it is much much cooler now. drove through the fires on Friday, bit of a mess but have seen worse. I'm down south at the moment and there is 'the hiss and hush of rain".
Now, your comments (and thank you for reading, commenting - it's great learning): I guess I like these lines because of dogs, the way they lie in dust with their little whimpering dreams, little paws paddling (my dog is a kelpie cross, so not that little). The dog and her uncomfortable dreams, for me, was about trying to set up a slight unease in the poem: dog sleeps/not quite peaceful. I agree that it's not a great poem to read aloud.
Jenifer
author commentFrenchf
Sun, 2013-01-13 03:59
Dogs know everything
the tsunami.
before the giant wave broke causing death and destruction
all the dogs fled inward from the coastal areas
knowing the worst was to come,
trying in desperation to save themselves.
Man unlike the animals stood gazing out to sea
the beach had suddenly expanded vastly
receding water exposing fish which lay breathing their last?
Man did not realise why.... then the wave hit them.
For some it was their last thought as they were engulfed never to return why?
But the dogs knew they and their masters were going to die
Jenifer James
Mon, 2013-01-14 03:38
Cool poem frenchf- go all
Cool poem frenchf- go all dogs scampering on this earth!
Jenifer
author commentSeren
Mon, 2013-01-14 06:01
I am glad your ok I was
I am glad your ok I was worried about all my friends down your way one had to leave their home when they came back their house was ok but for a bit of soot it got pretty close to them from what we have heard, dont know that I would like to be driving through that mess my brother in law works for fire coms here where I live and its been ok around here nothing thats gotten away from them anyway
now the poem
*trying to set up a slight unease in the poem*
do you know what I think you may have pulled it off because I read it again and it does carry a sense of unease nicely done hun I think I was wrong in my earlier assessment
glad you are ok hugs and love JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Jenifer James
Mon, 2013-01-14 06:18
So glad you are Ok and your
So glad you are Ok and your friends. Always such a scary time isn't it. And you know, ALL your gentle comments are just gorgeous because I know you think about them so carefully. Think you're pretty special JCxxx
Jenifer
author commentSeren
Mon, 2013-01-14 07:03
LOL you made me blush I am just me
its good everyone is safe is such a bad time of the year right now and the whole country is a tinderbox lets hope the rains come soon ! Hugs JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Esker
Thu, 2013-01-10 07:19
raining down
"dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees"
I get that line
I have and had dogs
in the past as now..
they lay there
dreaming
their feet running
their whimpering
under trees where
the sun is not so hot
Great line
and poem!
Thank You!
Jenifer James
Sun, 2013-01-13 00:55
Thank you, Esker. Images are
Thank you, Esker. Images are very personal, and I know when I read poetry sometimes an image makes sense, sometimes not. That's part of the glory - we are all different. xx
Jenifer
author commentNordic cloud
Sat, 2013-01-19 08:34
I enjoyed this I feel the
I enjoyed this I feel the heat and almost hide my nose from the dirt and dust,
a real atmosphere here.
Love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Jenifer James
Sun, 2013-01-20 07:10
Thank you, Ann. I think you
Thank you, Ann. I think you are so good at imagery that that is a real compliment. Your land, my land - very different places; great sources for poetry.
Jenifer
author commentNordic cloud
Sun, 2013-02-10 03:50
Jenifer, how well you
Jenifer, how well you describe the dust flattened
by the languishing dogs, I have seen them in the
heat of day in Egypt, where they hang about the
Temples lying seemingly dead, but not, and by
doing so describing the intense heat, the lethargy
of heat, the debilitating stupor one feels in such
climates-I do, I prefer the Autumn when the winds
and trees dance, then so does my mind-
but the heat stops me and eats up my energy.
You have put it so well, wonderful poem.
"viciously hot
best left to dogs
paddling frightened dreams in dust
flat beneath my trees"
Such associations as these words awake.
Great stuff Love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Jenifer James
Tue, 2013-02-12 05:38
Dear Ann, thank you for your
Dear Ann, thank you for your comments and for your lovely imagery of Egypt. I much prefer Autumn as well, the smells and promise of winter, longer nights, fires- I find the summer in Australia quite frightening at times, especially with all the long range weather forecasts of raised temperatures. Working in the heat defeats me, the cooler times mean I can walk to work without ending up looking like a beetroot! I wonder if people write differently in each seasons? I suspect they do, as light/dark affects us
Jenifer
author commentBlueDemon77
Sun, 2013-02-17 05:42
Hi Jenifer
This poem screamed of danger, every verb, adjective, noun, and adverb. Especially notable to me was the short quatrain: somewhere smoke clouds mound
bruised orange, black and filthy brown
battered giants' fists-
of destruction
I was thousands of miles away at the time but followed the story and saw the devastation and the human interest story of Sammy the Koala that approached a fireman for a drink of water. It must have been hellish. The only thing I have to compare are some pretty close near misses by tornados. Your work has a cultured immediacy that is a joy to read. I'm so glad I've been given the opportunity to read your wonderful work.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
Jenifer James
Sun, 2013-02-17 06:37
Dear Ron, thank you for such
Dear Ron, thank you for such lovely comments, they really warm me from poet to poet. I am so grateful.
Jenifer
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