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Triumphal guilt
I am the master
of triumphal disaster
I go out for coffee
and return
slapped
I ask
a
question
as
innocent
as
bird
song
and
now
I
am
hiding
behind
my
umbrella
painted
with
roses
roses
not just some
passive prettiness
response
no
this
membraneous
protection
stops
her spittle
dripping
down my cheek
her mouth
hollow with fury
So
clocking up despair
I
am
beaten
back
down
the
howling
hole
of isolation
scented
with
pessimism
like an old boot
myself
ego
and
id
gossip
about
me
in the kitchen
while
super ego polishes
guilt
with the flannel
of misery
thank you
everyone
for explaining
my damaged persona
but
after a bottle of wine
and a small bar of chocolate
I prefer to view this
event
as a triumphal disaster
and I have mastered it
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This was written in part following a conversation/dialogue with a friend who, like me, is constantly getting it wrong. All good intentions go nuts. No matter what one does, we can't win a trick. In the end we just had to laugh at the hopelessness of being human.
I played with form with this poem - please let me know if it works.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-07-12 07:41
Brilliant!
both presentation of style (and what expressive style it is!) and content are... I cannot find the proper words to tell you how I was affected! such beauty in your words... I not only read the words, but also felt them as my own! my favorite thing is the way you left me feeling, after the fact!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
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Jenifer James
Thu, 2023-07-13 04:36
I really hope that I left you
I really hope that I left you with humour in your heart.
Life is so bloody tough (I have read and been left deeply thoughtful after some of your comments to others and to me - YOU understand 'tough').
Somehow to survive intact, I have to find the humour in situations - as well as meaning. Obviously, sometimes humour is hard to find or just not there and my poem, Kakodaimons was pretty bleak, really.
I suppose the joy is when you laugh in something close to despair - certainly there is nothing I can do at the moment which is a win.
Yesterday, I even accidentally reversed my car over someone's brand new, tomato red electric bike. Of course I will pay for the damages - but really, who parks their brand new, tomato red electric bike behind my car - only a friend. And he was lovely, so I have so much guilt.
Anyway, I hope, I so hope, that this poem left you with humour in your heart?
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentObadiah Grey
Wed, 2023-07-12 11:36
But for the format I found
But for the format I found this to be akin to Bukowski,
I guess thats a massive compliment,,,, well done !
Obi.
Jenifer James
Thu, 2023-07-13 04:27
Wow. That is a massive
Wow. That is a massive compliment.
I explore his poetry with my heart in my mouth.
Try not to copy, but I suppose influences get us anyway.
I am so interested in playing with words in different ways: punctuation, sentences, solo words. Any thoughts - what do you do?
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2023-07-12 12:08
I prefer...
to view this event as a triumphal disaster! I love it! Just the sort of thing that the anti-heroine would say!
Your title is good, the language is easy but powerful, and the beginning and ends are tied together with a smooth narrative. Nice job! Love it! ~ Geezer.
.
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Jenifer James
Thu, 2023-07-13 04:40
Oh Geezer, thank you. I feel
Oh Geezer, thank you. I feel like an anti-heroine at the moment. I might have to go and get some tats (except it'll end up being something hopeless and gentle, like "I love forests", which isn't quite laced-up boots enough).
Shall I wear black?
Or do I prefer roses?
Being an anti-heroine is tough. am I allowed to cry?
Hugs
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2023-07-13 11:12
When you are...
an anti-hero, you can do any damned thing you want! Because, you are anti-hero, you don't ever do things the way that everyone else does them. Try a forest full of shadows and little things with evil, pointed teeth peeking out from under the bushes! Yeah! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.