Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Why She?!

She's been his lavender,
The lilac of his days,
The lilies at his wander,
A flower, roses praise.

She wore up the debonair face,
And inhaled the celestial scent.
She trod along with angels' pace,
inspirational and pleasant.

The hair? It travelled ahead
To dwell where do the dreams.
_A gypsy's, almost red,
when meets wee sunshine's beams.

Should fate knock upon her door,
And call her mystic name.
A candle that was before,
Soon passed her pastoral fame.

Inspired by an image

https://www.instagram.com/p/BtarAPwHrs5zioMiZXouw5Z5zAh-NfLtWYZeXA0/?utm...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Trying to stretch a bit more than my usual with description. Dont know how much I succeeded.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This has a nice feel linguistically; the words sound good together as they coil through out the poem
One of my favorites of yours

I had trouble with this though
"And call her specific name,"
Why specific; a name is always specific and I'm not sure its needed for the musicality of the sentence The poem has a magical feel. _A gypsy's almost red,
when meets wee sunshine's beams. maybe Celtic so I'm thinking a name of hidden power or secret name that has power over you

Best Z

ahhhhhhhh :)

Thank you! It gives my heart much pleasure to be read and well critqued.
I thought about your suggestion and thought it's spot on.
I changed to mystic so as to add to the mystery lady.
Hope it works with you and others more now.
Appreciate your time and thoughts.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I thought that there were a few bobbles in the rhythm, but nothing major. I'm sure that it can stand as it is. However, I think that if you were to subtract the word [that] from the first line, it would fit the pattern better. No doubt, the word [inspirational] is a nice word, but I think that there is one syllable too many there. How about removing the word and using [admired] shifting the accent to the rear of the line to make it fit the pattern better? The line would then read as; "admired and [so] pleasant. Lastly, you might add a word to the line "Should Fate knock [upon] her door" As always, just suggestions and feel free to ignore them and me. ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

I highly appreciate your constructive feedback.
I edited that stanza to keep the word 'inspirational' :)
Hope you like the rhythm better now.
Thank you!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Very, very nice! ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

A nice word! I'll make sure to use it soon Mark.
Can't thank you enough for your thoughtful reading.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

"Debonair" - I absolutely love, love, love when someone else's piece teaches me a new word. I think the other comments have basically covered the minor flaws this piece had. I can't catch anything that hasn't been already. Great feedback on this thread.

Katie

Remember Love and Give Peace a Chance

Check out Neopoet's social media blog for updates, events, and information: https://www.neopoet.com/neopoet-social-media

Katie. Really appreciate your kind words.
Looking forward to reading you soon.
Thank you!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.