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What's in the Box ?

Submitted by Sen99 on Sat, 2024-01-13 15:40

On the box written in red
Do not open, that's what it said
A plain brown package, what's inside
We are dying to know, what can it hide

An animal is too big for a box this size
Maybe a present, a nice surprise
A forgotten birthday, a gift belated
Just waiting to be opened still we hesitated

A mystery delivery with no sender and no name
If it blows up a building who will take the blame
The suspense is killing, the room went black
Inside a small voice said : "help I'm Jack"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 01/14/24 to 01/20/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-01-13 21:40

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "What's in the Box?" successfully employs a narrative style, leading the reader through a suspenseful journey. The use of rhyme and rhythm is consistent, which contributes to the overall flow of the poem.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. For instance, the line "If it blows up a building who will take the blame" seems to abruptly introduce a darker tone that is not consistent with the rest of the poem. The sudden shift in tone may be jarring for the reader. It might be beneficial to either gradually introduce this darker tone or to revise this line to maintain the lighter, more curious tone established in the earlier stanzas.

Additionally, the final line "Inside a small voice said : "help I'm Jack"" could be more impactful if the identity or nature of "Jack" was hinted at earlier in the poem. This could create a stronger narrative and make the conclusion more satisfying for the reader.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. While the current descriptions do create a sense of mystery, they could be more engaging if they were more detailed or unique. For example, instead of describing the box as a "plain brown package", the poet could use more evocative language to paint a more intriguing picture.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with a few adjustments, it could be even more engaging and impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Alex Tanner

Sun, 2024-01-14 04:51

Alex Tanner's picture

I really enjoyed this. Take no notice of AI he really displays a lack of understanding with this. I would tighten it up a little, if I may suggest.
2nd verse put a comma, or better still a question mark, after animal and take out is.
3rd verse 1st line take out with, take out and, put commas after delivery and sender, end the line with a semi colon. 2nd line who will becomes who'll and end the line with a question mark.
Sorry if I seem a bit pedantic, that's just me.
I really enjoyed this especially the last line. Nearly forgot 'A small voice cries'. Alex

Sen99

Sun, 2024-01-14 07:26

Sen99's picture

For your comments and corrections
I will be more mindful of grammar in the future.

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