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Sleep on Me

Submitted by Sen99 on Fri, 2024-05-24 02:14

Let me be the pillow
To rest your weary head
If you are needing comfort
Then let me be the bed

My arms are the blanket
That will keep you warm
Pull me in closer
Feel safe from a storm

If you should feel tired
And ready to sleep
Put your head on my chest

There is no place in the world
That I would rather be
With arms around my lovely
And she is right on top of me

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
05/24 Romance
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-05-24 08:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sleep on Me" creates a comforting and intimate atmosphere through its imagery of providing solace and protection. The use of metaphors like being a pillow, bed, and blanket conveys a sense of security and care. The repetition of the theme of being a source of comfort reinforces the idea of being a safe haven for someone in need.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the imagery and metaphors used throughout the poem to add depth and complexity. Exploring different ways to depict the idea of providing comfort could enhance the richness of the poem and engage the reader on a deeper level. Additionally, paying attention to the rhythm and flow of the poem could help create a more cohesive and impactful piece.

Overall, "Sleep on Me" effectively captures the sentiment of offering support and warmth to a loved one. By expanding on the imagery and refining the structure, the poem has the potential to evoke even stronger emotions and connections with the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2024-05-24 09:25

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If it was intentional or not, but you are missing the last line in the third verse.
Maybe it was to ask the reader to provide his/her own line and provoke a better understanding of the piece?
In which case, I would say, "Go to slumberland, deep".

I love the simplicity of this one,
as it appears that one could use this as a lullaby for a child or a barely awake murmmer, for an adult.
I loved this one from you, but I'm on the fence about the use of the word [lovely].

~ Geez.
.

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Sen99

Fri, 2024-05-24 15:46

Sen99's picture

it was intentional, like a line break, an empty rhyme, you certainly came up with your own idea, so it worked.
Not sure what to replace lovely with, maybe sweety , too saccharine, perhaps baby to keep it simple.

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