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WARNING

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Sat, 2024-02-03 09:06

Spools of wavy tendrils in raven
Shouldered hair a smooth photogenic
face like a pebble caressed by the

silk mirrored stream. Eyes delightful,
vulnerable, beautiful spirals and walnut
choclate eyes with silky Beetle leg

lashers. Who knew she was a complete
Pyscho? five foot nothing full of hate neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest a punch

from the devil a cruel curve breaking her face
satisfied my soul drifting away into the next plain.
She took my fading light that never shined like

a beacon and the biting cold taking away
the heat disappearing like a tag team
on my soul

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Rough

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

02/24 Warning

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-02-03 15:10

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2024-02-03 09:14

LOL!

You caught me completely unawares!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Jokerface82

Sat, 2024-02-03 12:30

So pleased

Wanted you to lol

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2024-02-03 15:32

rough, but very understandable. I would use [in] instead of [of] and [black] in the line: "Spools of wavy tendrils in raven" I know that [raven] is a much more mysterious and darker word than black, but it does make the line smoother. I think that it would be a bit more readable if you kept the descriptive lines intact and not split them up just to make the lines look of equal length.

Spools of wavy tendrils in black shouldered hair,
a smooth photogenic face
like a pebble caressed by the mirrored stream

Her eyes were delightful
Vulnerable, beautiful [whirls] of chocolate and walnut - you have used spools already
with lashes of silky beetle-leg darkness

Who knew she was a complete pyscho?
Five foot nothing, full of hate and neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest.

I was surprised too!

As always, use my suggestions, twist them, or just dump them, they are just my interpretation
of how your poem should read. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Leslie

Sun, 2024-02-04 05:03