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HER BROTHERS FACE

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Mon, 2024-03-25 12:24

Lights flickering dancing
Spilling flecks of light to
Unlit silhouettes . A tomb of

silence. Your crimson thumping
heart knowing somethings wrong
Sinister and evil present and dark.

Waiting In the skulking shadows
blackness is it's cloak of Deception.
Beads of rain dripping down your

oval ghost frightening complexion
There's a stench of death it's a
fusion of rotting pieces of meat
and rotten decayed flesh.

A coldness runs up your spine
and no one to say everythings
fine. Trembling hands, fingers

Spinning a bright cone
around Backing away looking for
threats and looking to escape.
Supernaturals waiting peering.

One steps out from the dimness
Revealing a mask of her brothers
resemblance, pale grey skin tied with

fastened blood stitches. Your eyes grow
your jaw drops to a frozen scream
Pressing your hands to the side of

of your skull. He glares With red eyed
intensity with tight lip fury. A flash of
Undisguised heated diagonals of silver,

making red openings. Deep lines and
metal blood
choking and gurgling a Burgundy
bubble bath

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 03/24/24 to 03/30/24

Content level:

Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-03-25 18:30

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses vivid and intense imagery to create a sense of horror and suspense. The use of descriptive language such as "crimson thumping heart," "stench of death," and "frightening complexion" contributes to the overall dark and eerie atmosphere of the poem.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from more clarity. For instance, the line "and know one to say everythings fine" seems to contain a typographical error, as "know one" should likely be "no one." Additionally, the phrase "fkd up mind" may be too colloquial for the overall tone of the poem, and could be replaced with a more descriptive and fitting term.

The poem also has a tendency to shift between different tenses, which can be confusing for the reader. For example, "Waiting In the skulking shadows" is in the present tense, while "Stepping out from the dimness" is in the past tense. Consistency in tense usage will help to maintain the flow and coherence of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. There are several instances where periods and commas are either missing or misplaced, which can disrupt the rhythm and understanding of the poem. For example, the line "fastened blood stitches" could benefit from a comma after "fastened" to clarify that it is the stitches, not the blood, that is fastened.

In conclusion, while the poem effectively creates a dark and suspenseful atmosphere through its use of vivid imagery, it could benefit from improvements in clarity, tense consistency, and punctuation.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Jokerface82

Mon, 2024-03-25 12:26

Rough

author comment

Rula

Sat, 2024-03-30 17:13