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walking the boards

Submitted by judyanne on Fri, 2012-08-24 02:15

amongst a cast of lead-supporting roles
though minus script, performance underway
without rehearsal, souls, not knowing goals
from cradle, muddle through, until croquet

mistakes recorded, frozen in forever
creating rippled footstepped lights of hours
to decorate the scars of great endeavour
before the tidal-wave of time devours

while back-stage in the recess of re-runs
imagination’s post-mortems beg change
to find the answers all returns as questions
the thing about this theatre that is strange

repeated plots in purple velvet lies
the only theme, departures and debuts
with all that is, illusion in disguise
what is become is done, the play continues
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Fri, 2012-08-24 02:35

Esker's picture

I would add
"the play renews"
which skips along to "debuts"

but thats my just offer in reading it through fast
now... I like the feel and flow of it
I want to put "orchid" velvet lies
which does not denote colour
strange....just felt that there on that line

croquet I would put "crochet" like those doilie blankets
on the old old forlks home old forgotten
waiting for the sunset
the sunrise
the suprise

but thats again my shuffling of words about
poem sculpting is quite the business!!

Thank You

judyanne

Fri, 2012-08-24 22:53

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i thought of 'renews', which is a better rhyme for 'debuts' - but it does not convey the same meaning as 'continues'...

ditto with 'crochet' and 'croquet'... i thought of 'crochet', but it seemed to then generate thoughts of old ladies, not old people...

lol - yes, i agree, poem sculpting is quite the business
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2012-08-27 02:42

Esker's picture

I havent thought of this word in ages and ages..
all play, continuous..

I knew ladies who made blankets for the elderly
we had a blue one that came to our lab donated
from the family of a client we did work for who passed
The blanket kept his one limb and body warm
I use it in winter.. its nice to know someone made this
with much love and care...the old woven patterns..
some things are just ancient are they not..
Like the love of poetry

Thank You

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 08:41

judyanne's picture
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i think i like 'continuous' too. thanks steve

i'll let it rest for a while and come back with fresh eyes to edit later with your thoughts in mind

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2012-08-27 13:16

Esker's picture

its all more of a focus of a thought
a feeling about "how would this feel or sound"
whats the point about just dashing a piece
and apologizing in the next breath..

I've worked with many people over the years
some incredible some rather obtuse but
I did it.. I lasted long with them
glad I did

it was an exile and a learning period

I wish I could write like this when I was sixteen
or eighteen or twenty five

I would have pursued publishing
then.. THen it would have mattered
more

only because I would have looked better
then on the jacket!

ha ha

Oh there you are!

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 13:24

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you could always use an old picture of a younger you - touched up and all these days - and no-one would know the difference

just don't do any book signings
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-08-25 07:28

judyanne's picture
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yes, i suppose the shakespeare's 'life is a stage' is what this would bring to mind, lol thanks for saying it sounded shakespearish, if you did...
thanks for saying you like it anyway- much appreciated
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Rula

Sat, 2012-08-25 08:29

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I envy you for your supurb use of language. I admit that I suffer sometimes because of this but I wish I can gradually gain more poetic expressions.I love it from the very beginning -the title and all through it grabbed me to read for,though it's very poetic yet captures our chores life.

I loved the opening stanza as it sets the scene very well and I admit I needed to read the piece twice to get every bit of it, if I really did.

After finishing the workshop I hope I can give you a justified suggestion that you can make use of "one day" ((((smiles))))

Thanks for sharing..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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judyanne

Sat, 2012-08-25 10:45

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you really are too kind
thank you very much for the supportive comments

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-08-25 21:59

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this has a Shakespearean feel, complete with profound ambiguity.

A very fine write, but I suspect it won't be popular, it requires deep reading and thought.

If you even considered re-writing it, which I wouldn't, read some of Cruds latest work. He has managed to incorporate meaning with fun. Can you believe I am recommending my arch enemy, the undoubtedly talented Crud?

Actually, despite his denials, he wants my body. Hopefully alive.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 02:00

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for the great comments

lol - as for crud, i knew you two would eventually get it on (or off)
and, as poets from opposite ends of the spectrum, you will no doubt have a violently intense relationship :)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Mon, 2012-08-27 02:32

Roscoe Lane's picture

Another poem beautifully written, Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

judyanne

Mon, 2012-08-27 08:38

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for the very kind words of support
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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