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Untitled

A ship upon my woman waters
I split to bear its weight on me.
It's vessel body sinks into
and I, like open ocean be.

Waves build,
crest,
crash,
against ships that idly pass.
I fold into
I drowned within,
make claim upon the sailor's sins.

Those strong bodied monstrosities disrupting every inch of me,
just sail on through my stormy seas
as I, like open ocean be.

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Comments

The rest is fairly incoherent.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
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When I have a title I will do just that.
As for it being incoherent - no it's not.

Cheers.

author comment

but I didn't get it. Often I don't.

Nonetheless the images and ideas don't tie together. What's the word? Incoherent.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Hi SG, I have to agree with Jess to a point.

I like the repetition of the penultimate line. However, much of the rest of it is cliche, imo. Weave the poem a bit tighter, and I don't think it will be.

As far as the title--titles are important, that's what creates the attention to a poet's poem. Very few folks read *untitled*, why should they? If the poet is that unconcerned with his/her poem to submit it with a title, then..........................

p.s. I have been guilty of using untitled.... but it's always a selection of poems...a theme.

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