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Untitled

Submitted by S.G. Blue on Thu, 2013-02-14 10:58

A ship upon my woman waters
I split to bear its weight on me.
It's vessel body sinks into
and I, like open ocean be.

Waves build,
crest,
crash,
against ships that idly pass.
I fold into
I drowned within,
make claim upon the sailor's sins.

Those strong bodied monstrosities disrupting every inch of me,
just sail on through my stormy seas
as I, like open ocean be.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2013-02-27 07:40

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The rest is fairly incoherent.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

S.G. Blue

Wed, 2013-02-27 10:46

S.G. Blue's picture

When I have a title I will do just that.
As for it being incoherent - no it's not.

Cheers.

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2013-02-27 11:56

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but I didn't get it. Often I don't.

Nonetheless the images and ideas don't tie together. What's the word? Incoherent.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Kailashana2

Wed, 2013-02-27 11:13

Hi SG, I have to agree with Jess to a point.

I like the repetition of the penultimate line. However, much of the rest of it is cliche, imo. Weave the poem a bit tighter, and I don't think it will be.

As far as the title--titles are important, that's what creates the attention to a poet's poem. Very few folks read *untitled*, why should they? If the poet is that unconcerned with his/her poem to submit it with a title, then..........................

p.s. I have been guilty of using untitled.... but it's always a selection of poems...a theme.

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