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Prayer for a Sunday

Your eyes glowing in city rain sidewalk night speak love to me.

Our romance bounces off the familiar audio
backdrop hum of traffic sounds
and downtowns.
Your kiss hunting eyes are glowing on me.

Your eyes glowing and my heart on fire, darling.

It's the cadence of the words you speak
on a Sunday done in gray rain
and you say to me
"You're beautiful".
It nestles itself in our warm sound.

Darling, the thought of you,
just the very thought of you,
inspires me to love in rich pigment jewel tones.
To love out loud
with the bass thick and the speakers turned all the way up.
To a love draped in desire and passion.
Alive with spontaneous laughter and conversation.
You with intrigue and I with interest.
create We,
that burns long
and
slow.

We love like high fashion and in low places,
where we sip drinks in private spaces.
We dip and flow,
gracefully.

We beat box
ghetto blaster
cardboard sidewalk
break-dance cool.

This thing of you and I
and We
resides within so peacefully
on Sunday mornings
gray cool rain.
Sunday evening
I do pray.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

and a belated welcome to Neopoet.
I like this poem of your's very much. It is difficult to write of love in a poem and not sound trite and sentimental, and while your poem here and there does have a wee bit too much sentimentality for my taste, Its atmosphere and wording make up for this.
Here are the things about your poem that I feel need some improvement, imo.

First, the use of the word "love" should always be avoided in a love poem, wherever possible. It is true that sometimes the word is unavoidable, but to me the trick is to give an intense feeling of your love for another by illustrating what you feel without explicitly naming what it is, if that makes any sense. For this poem, using 'love' in the first line is important, because it sets the tone and describes the emotion, but I think that perhaps you should consider removing 'love' from elsewhere in the poem, and replace it with actions and feelings that show your love for this other person without actually labelling it.

Also, I always try to avoid the word "like", in the context of comparison. To me its a cop-out word, a word that is used for reasons of ease and speed.

This stanza is...well, its almost haunting, to me, until the end, when I found myself plunged back into sorry reality, asking myself what "it" was;

"It's the cadence of the words you speak
on a Sunday done in gray rain
and you say to me
"You're beautiful".
It nestles itself in our warm sound."

Is it love?
Is it the cadence of the first line? I think it is love, but I could not decide.

I was thinking an edit along these lines might help:

"It's the cadence of the words you speak
on a Sunday done in gray rain;
when you say to me
"You're beautiful".
they ring within our warm sound."

I think that this keeps your meaning quite well, it denotes love better, I think, it flows better in terms of cadence, and it also gets rid of the word 'and', another word I don't like in poetry.
Of course, whatever edit you make, if you make one, should be your own, and not mine.

This really is a good poem, S.G., and I feel that with some further editing it could be a memorable one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Well first, thank you for reading and taking the time to give me feedback on, this piece. I'm glad that overall you enjoyed it.

I will take your points into consideration and actually think I can lose the "it nestles itself it our warm sound" all together. It kind of bothered me in the first place but I wasn't sure what to do with it.

Thank you again :)

author comment

But didn't care much for the word darling used twice. It can be replaced by?

....I'll think about that one. Darling is kind of a special thing between he and I.

author comment

Thank you so much :)

author comment
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