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Leaning Over

Filling me up until my hands shake on the ends of these thin arms.
Wrap themselves around the body they belong to
in a slow coil like thievery
and untold stories full with sin.

The bones, they bend
so hand over shoulder
ghost white skin
lay on top and weave under;
these bones with a place for my forehead to rest,
these lips mutter prayers as they lean into nest.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I really love that first stanza it feels quite intimate

its the second stanza I have issue with

The bones, they bend
so hand over shoulder
ghost white skin
lay on top and weave under

this piece of the poem needs to be rewritten for clarity imo its a little confusing to me and in saying that it could just be me ? wait to see what others think of it

I think this poem shows much promise I will keep my eyes on the edits and see what you do with it, so I will be back at some stage

sincerely Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Ut understand Janes comments. I liked it

This has a place in a collection of works. We would need to know more about your concepts of sin and prayer to relate to it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

...very much :)

As for my concepts of sin and prayers, I enjoy them both.
lol.
Actually, that comment has sat with me since I read it, demanding a little late night writing time. So maybe you'll find out sooner than you think.

Thanks again.

author comment

I look forward to it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

this is quite special, the sonics, the power of expression and the subtle rhymes ( except the last rest/nest which is traditional but I like 'nest'). This is as good as poetry gets.

I'm flattered by any one person who finds a place with my poetry but that was quite a lovely compliment and I appreciate it.

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it so.

author comment

this is quite special, the sonics, the power of expression and the subtle rhymes ( except the last rest/nest which is traditional but I like 'nest'). This is as good as poetry gets.

I reread your poem and I don't want you to think that my crit was just uniformed praise, so here are a few nits , I guess I was a bit over the top in my first comment (mistakenly posted twice) I still think it's a very good work but there's room for improvement or more importantly hopefully better poems to come.
'further harmonies implied in the harmonies we make'
regards ross

Filling me up -a fairly ordinary phrase for sex

and untold stories full with sin. again not particularly original and sin is a large abstraction that is so large as to be almost meaningless in the context of the poem.

these bones -repetition of bones doesn't help the poem, too much anatomy.

Thank you again :)
However, I'm not talking about sex in the slightest. I'm literally talking about being a room alone at night and leaning over, head into my arms.

author comment
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