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Two and Six.

Submitted by Timbo on Mon, 2011-01-24 09:50

When two little girls look up at me
it can remind me how good life can be
and when I hear their voices in play
I love the funny things, they often say.

They can be happy and sometimes sad
they can be good and they can be bad
and when they smile and ask me to play
how can I not, do what they say?

One of them is six, the other one is two
without them in my life, what would I do
and if they are sad, I wipe away their tears
ready to comfort them and take away their fears.

I hope they will love life’s simple pleasures
the stars, the sea, and all nature’s treasures
and know they are loved by you and by me
always in our hearts wherever they may be.

I wish them success in whatever they do
I wish them happiness all their lives through
and I wish them in life all that is good
but most of all, I wish them love.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Timbo

Tue, 2011-01-25 06:17

Timbo's picture

Many thanks Ian and yes I understand what you say about being wary. As a photographer I love to photograph children, but fortunately I get asked to take pictures at a local pre-school group where I am known and they love what I take.Otherwise it would be very difficult. This poem was written for my two grandchildren.
take care,
Tim.

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-01-25 08:23

weirdelf's picture
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If I may offer a couple of points on scansion? I see you are influenced a lot by lyrics and that can cause you to force your meter as though a tune was carrying it. Try reading it aloud as natural speech. These suggestions I offer could help smooth it a little.

it can remind me how good life can be
it reminds me how good life can be

I love the funny things, they often say.
I love the funny things they say.

One of them is six, the other one is two
One is six, the other is two

ready to comfort them and take away their fears.
ready to comfort and take away fears.

always in our hearts wherever they may be.
always in our hearts where'er they may be. [I don't like this archaic contraction, perhaps you can find something better]

but most of all, I wish them love.
but most of all, I wish them all love.

I hope this is of some help.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Timbo

Tue, 2011-01-25 09:40

Timbo's picture

thanks for the feedback Jess. Yep, I can see where you're coming from, I'll have to give it some thought.
cheers,
Tim.

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