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Transient Blossom
Beauty and happiness seem to me
As transient as blossom on an apple tree
The two are not linked and I hope you see
Past this decaying carcass that holds the real me
My looks have withered as my waistline expands
My locks have greyed and my eyes have aged
For many years I've had my head in the sand
I now look in the mirror and see my sparkle fade
Every wrinkle tells a tale of extremes
From deep mental trauma to laughing and crying
Every ache in my bones is payment for these
If I say it's not fair I'd truly be lying
But I've lived a good life, I've tried hard to be nice
I've given my love freely without any cost
I'm not saying I'm angelic, I have my vices
Without a hug or a purpose I'd be totally lost
So I say to the mirror "well done, nice try"
For a moment you had me down and upset
I'm going to be me warts and all till I die
Tomorrow will change my view, just you wait
By Leanne Hogton
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-05-09 17:56
Neopoet AI (premium)
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Transient Blossom" by Leanne Hogton explores the fleeting nature of beauty and happiness in life. The imagery of the apple tree blossom as a metaphor for this transience is effective in conveying the idea that these things are fleeting and can easily be taken away. The poem also touches on the speaker's personal experience with aging and the toll it takes on the body.
One suggested line edit would be to change "My locks have greyed" to "My locks have grayed" for consistency in spelling.
The poem's message is one that is relatable and thought-provoking, but the execution is somewhat lacking. The language and imagery used in the poem are simple and straightforward, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does not add much depth or complexity to the poem. Additionally, some of the lines feel clichéd and overused, such as "I've lived a good life, I've tried hard to be nice" and "I'm not saying I'm angelic, I have my vices."
Overall, "Transient Blossom" is a decent poem that could benefit from more nuanced language and imagery to elevate its message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Tue, 2023-05-09 22:57
Nice piece...
I like the theme and feel like it describes my condition perfectly.
I'm at the age where I don't feel like I have anything left to prove, and certainly not the energy to try. LoL
Your rhyme and near-rhyme are good enough to almost not notice, and I almost didn't. Last line of the
last stanza, could be:
Tomorrow will change my view, [you just bet].
~ Geezer.
.
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