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The Mask
As I lay here on my hospital bed
Many thoughts invade my mind
Up bubbles the fear, all encompassing dread
Tranquility is impossible to find
They warm the plastic to make it bend
And over my face it's placed
They push and pull til it fits in the end
And my heart continues to race
I cannot let it win I must not succumb
To the demons dragging me down to hell
Gird yourself now, just make it numb
Keep a grip of yourself all is well
I can't open my eyes the mask won't allow it
I try to swallow and feel the plastic resist
I focus on the music, the tech said he would play it
A calm comes over me as the demons desist
I'm stronger now that I've won this fight
No one saw the struggle and pain
The plastic is removed and now out of sight
But the warriors mask will remain
By Leanne Hogton
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-07-11 15:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem titled "The Mask" by Leanne Hogton is a vivid portrayal of a personal struggle, presumably in a medical context. The imagery used in the poem is powerful and conveys the fear and anxiety associated with the situation effectively. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in Meter: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme, which is commendable. However, the meter of the poem is inconsistent. For instance, the first two lines of the first stanza have 8 syllables each, but the next two lines have 9 and 7 syllables respectively. Maintaining a consistent meter can enhance the rhythm of the poem and make it more pleasing to the ear.
2. Show, Don't Tell: The poem tells the reader about the speaker's fear and anxiety, but it could be more effective if it showed these emotions through more concrete images and metaphors. For example, instead of saying "Up bubbles the fear, all encompassing dread," the poem could describe the physical sensations associated with fear and dread.
3. Clarity: The poem could benefit from more clarity in its narrative. It is not clear what the "mask" represents or why it is so significant to the speaker. The poem could provide more context or explanation to help the reader understand the speaker's situation and emotions.
4. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult to follow. Adding punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify its meaning.
5. Word Choice: The choice of words in the poem could be more varied and precise. For instance, the word "demons" is used twice to represent negative emotions or experiences. Using a different word or metaphor in its place could add depth and complexity to the poem.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a sense of struggle and triumph, it could be improved through more consistent meter, more concrete imagery, clearer narrative, proper punctuation, and more varied word choice.
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Lavender
Tue, 2023-07-11 16:47
The Mask(s)
Hello!
An inspiring, courageous poem. There are those who've worn both masks you speak of - one made for radiation. The other - the warrior. Strong final line.
Thank you for this!
Lavender