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Canal Walk
And off I go to walk a mile
Amongst the grass and flowers
I find a bench and sit a while
Maybe minutes but probably hours
I see the water ripple and sway
A sure sign of fish beneath
A raven shouts and flies away
To join it's lover on the heath
The lovely iris nods her head
In the gentle balmy breeze
The jogger puffs and pants ahead
Then stops as their lungs give a wheeze
As for me I sit with my notebook and pen
Recording the beauty around
Remembering when not so long ago
My demons weren't screaming out loud
But scream.they do I'm glad no one can see
The pictures my mind likes to paint
That horrific scene behind that sweet honey bee
I sit quietly and let my brain vent
By leanne Hogton
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-05-18 07:50
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Geezer
Thu, 2023-05-18 10:32
Your poem...
is good and reminds me on this cold Spring morning
that there is, indeed, such a thing as warm weather.
I found it easy to look around and enjoy the flowers and birds
while sitting on the bench in the sun.
You give us just enough visuals to make it clear that we are in a natural setting
and then the horror of a bee! I wonder if you are allergic to them and hope that
the bee flies away harmlessly, and you are not stung!
The pace and meter could use a bit of work, but there is nothing major.
First stanza: "Maybe minutes but probably hours" could be: Maybe minutes but could be hours.
Third stanza: Could be: Stopping to have a wheeze
Fourth stanza: Here I sit with notebook and pen
The rhyme goes pretty well for the most part, but the near rhyme of around and loud doesn't work all that well.
How about using: My demons weren't howling like a hound? Which would also take care of the meter discrepancy.
Try: I sit quietly and see what ain't.
All-in-all, a good piece, that brings one to the early Spring morning, the canal and a bucolic scene.
~ Geezer.
.
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Leanne Hogton
Thu, 2023-05-18 16:59
Thank you my friend I accept
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2023-05-18 19:11
Glad you...
aren't offended. I would love to see any changes you make, done here. You just have to check the edit box, make your changes and hit save. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.