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Tragic circumstance
Onward to the dawn
though the night
is dark and balmy.
Nothing here is clean,
nothing has a purpose.
Falling down I realize
I should have been
more careful
I don't know now
if I can stand
I think I broke my hip!
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I hope it is descriptive enouogh for the reader to understand.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-01-24 18:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Tragic Circumstance," uses a narrative style to depict a journey from darkness to light, which is a common metaphor in poetry. The use of simple language and short lines gives the poem a direct and straightforward tone.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of imagery and metaphor. The first three lines set up a metaphorical journey from night to dawn, but this metaphor is not fully developed or connected to the rest of the poem. Developing this metaphor more fully could help to deepen the poem's themes and make the narrative more engaging.
The poem also seems to shift in tone and subject matter in the last four lines, moving from a metaphorical journey to a more literal and humorous depiction of a fall. This shift is somewhat jarring and could be smoothed out to make the poem more cohesive.
The line "Nothing here is clean, nothing has a purpose" suggests a sense of disillusionment or despair, but this theme is not fully developed or connected to the rest of the poem. Expanding on this theme could add depth and complexity to the poem.
Overall, this poem has potential, but could benefit from a more consistent use of metaphor and theme, as well as a smoother transition between different tones and subject matters.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-24 14:28
My thought was...
"This reads like a script for an action movie, like "I've been kidnapped", in code.
If it is... Give me the signal. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-01-24 14:34
Dear Leslie,
This piece is such a cunningly attractive blurb...I want more!!! please do continue...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Wed, 2024-01-24 17:02
Cat and G I'll tell you what's up!
A buddy of mine got separated 9 or 10 years ago. At the time his surviving family, his mom dad and two sisters all passed.
his wife has been a big part in his own childrens almost complete neglect. He was abandoned even by his community.
Since that time except for going out and getting food, he has sat in a recliner alone. He has fallen hitting his head three times
with a very marginal income and double scoliosis so he can't work I only want him to be careful when he moves around in the
night. I wish I could help more. Friendship is what I can offer. Thanks for reading this.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
Geezer
Thu, 2024-01-25 10:08
So sorry...,
that your friend has come to such a deplorable situation. A very nice blurb, to let him know that you care. My apologies for the flip comment. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Leslie
Thu, 2024-01-25 12:19
Geezer
Than acknowledging my friends tradgedy.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
Leslie
Thu, 2024-01-25 12:19
Geezer
Than acknowledging my friends tradgedy.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!