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Just can't say I'm sorry

Submitted by Leslie on Sat, 2024-04-27 21:14

I just cant say I'm sorry
and I don't know why?
And if I did, I wouldn't know how
too much has past
to bring it up now.
like a drunken sailor
I just want to shut down!
Sucking the life out of everyone,
I wear a perpetual frown.
Don't bother stopping by
or coming around
I'll only bring sadness
of that there is no doubt.
In the very beginning,
I felt a way out,
but time has had it's way
of turning me south.
My ears are witholden
from compassionate sounds.
Everything you say to me
drives me into the ground.
My self-esteem is broken,
all that I ask of you now.
Is to let this ragged wanderer
disappear with the crowd!.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This is typical language for the depressed mind. I know that I will resurface in short order, but for the moment this is exactly the way that I feel. I couldn't think of a better way to illuminate the public mind!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-04-28 03:20

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Just can't say I'm sorry" effectively communicates a deep sense of regret and self-deprecation, which is a strong emotional core that can resonate with many readers. However, there are areas that could be improved to enhance the overall impact and clarity of the poem.

Firstly, the rhythm and meter of the poem could be more consistent. This would help the poem flow better and make it more engaging to read. For instance, the lines "Caught with my foot in my mouth / I just want to shut down!" could be reworked to have a similar syllable count and rhythm to the previous lines.

Secondly, the use of metaphors and imagery could be more varied and creative. While the "water under the bridge" and "broken angel" metaphors are effective, they are quite common and do not add a unique perspective to the poem. Experimenting with less conventional metaphors could give the poem a more distinctive voice.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic progression. While the theme of regret is clear, the poem seems to jump between different ideas without fully exploring or connecting them. For example, the shift from the speaker's inability to apologize, to their self-isolation, to their broken self-esteem feels somewhat disjointed. Developing these ideas further or linking them more explicitly could make the poem more cohesive and impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

tyro

Sun, 2024-04-28 14:48

The intermittent rhymes do wonders for keeping the story going on and gives the reader pleasing moments where the rhymes connected. I could not follow in detail, but I do like the story.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Leslie

Sun, 2024-04-28 17:13

Leslie's picture

THANKS AGAIN FOR READING THIS, I APPRECIATE AN OPTIMISTIC VIEWPOINT.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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