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My heart beats
faster than a locomotive
with no stop

She doesn't need a token
to get on this ride
It doesn't matter though
I can go slower
I can go faster
I can shine myself up
to look all nice and pretty
but she won't get on this ride
No matter how loud my engine howls,
No matter how loud my horn screams,
she won't get on this ride in time.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


Loads of emotion and served up nicely. Maybe a line break between [it doesn't matter though and I can go slower]? No real crit. ~ Gee.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
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It is fine as is but maybe one suggestion. If it were mine I would drop the "loud" before "my engine howls" to give a greater force to the next line. Keep writing.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy

I like this, too!
How can she get on in time if the locomotive has no stop?
Perhaps a timetable so she knows where to catch you?
I hope that you both can journey on together!

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