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Time

Submitted by chevyvent on Fri, 2017-06-09 16:49

Feelings
sweet,
nice,
illogical
unknown
My heart beats
faster than a locomotive
with no stop

She doesn't need a token
to get on this ride
It doesn't matter though
I can go slower
I can go faster
I can shine myself up
to look all nice and pretty
but she won't get on this ride
No matter how loud my engine howls,
No matter how loud my horn screams,
she won't get on this ride in time.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2017-06-09 19:57

Geezer's picture
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Loads of emotion and served up nicely. Maybe a line break between [it doesn't matter though and I can go slower]? No real crit. ~ Gee.
.

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Keith Logan

Sat, 2017-06-10 16:50

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It is fine as is but maybe one suggestion. If it were mine I would drop the "loud" before "my engine howls" to give a greater force to the next line. Keep writing.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Scatterhatter

Sat, 2017-06-10 20:51

I like this, too!
How can she get on in time if the locomotive has no stop?
Perhaps a timetable so she knows where to catch you?
I hope that you both can journey on together!

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