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Thoughts of A Friend
Time,
it's catching up with us,
peeling away
our youth,
riddling our skins
with lines of age.
Don't wait
until our voice has turned
into a mere whisper
to declare our philia
for family and friends
to seek and offer forgiveness
for the wrongs we've done
and the misdeeds
done unto us.
Before we enter
the embrace of the earth,
let us live
without the sting
of regret.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Need help to find a better title.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Fri, 2017-03-24 01:25
Like this a lot,
Like this a lot, just one little suggestion, take away the (and) from the first verse, and try ( riddling our skins with lines of age ) hope this is ok. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
alidzain
Fri, 2017-03-24 01:51
Hi Roscoe
its good to see you here again. Done the edit. Thanks for reading and commenting on this piece.
Alid
author commentKeith Logan
Sat, 2017-03-25 15:20
Roscoe
I can't recall whether I mentioned it before but I like the quote you end all your texts with.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
alidzain
Fri, 2017-03-24 16:45
Hi Mark!
Thanks for the feedback. By the way what is LTNS?
Alid
author commentalidzain
Fri, 2017-03-24 18:12
Mark
I seldom visit neopoet these days as I'm busy with my malay poetry. I have become a member of the local malay poet society and have been chosen to be one of the representatives for my country. I'm also a member of a malay public speaking club which provides lessons on public speaking ang debating skills so yeah, I've been busy but I'm enjoying it.
Alid
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2017-03-24 15:28
I think that...
the line that goes: to seek forgiveness and offer [one], should read: to seek forgiveness and to offer
[some]. Other than that, I think all the other crits. have been taken care of. ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
alidzain
Fri, 2017-03-24 16:49
Hello Gee
What do you think about thew new edits?
Alid
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2017-03-24 21:15
Still just a bit to do...
you turned this one into something way better than it was with just a few changes! I think you might re-arrange the line that offers forgiveness for the things you have done. You can ask for forgiveness and forgive the things that have been done to you. Other than that, I see nothing to offer in the way of critique. I don't really see a problem with the title. ~ Gee.
.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
alidzain
Sat, 2017-03-25 01:26
Gee
what I wanted to say is to ask for forgiveness for the wrongs you have done and to offer forgiveness to those who have wronged you,unasked to gain inner peace.Usually when you cannot forgive others for the wrongs done unto you,it will eat you up in the inside. This poem is suggesting the ways to gain inner peace and live without regret.
I need your help to rearrange the stanza about the forguveness part as I felt it is too long but not sure how to edit without changing the message.
Regards,
Alid
author commentKeith Logan
Sat, 2017-03-25 15:45
I don't see a problem
what you want to say is clear to me, so I assume you have already fixed it.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
alidzain
Sat, 2017-03-25 16:39
Hi Audri
Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment.
This poem is not really about forbidden love but some suggestions on how to gain inner peace and live without regret.
Sometimes people take things for granted and don't say how they truly feel and then regret not saying them when they have a chance.
To ask for forgiveness is to admit one's own folly. I don't know why some people refuse to admit their mistakes when they would be better off saying sorry instead of making others feel irritated.
To offer forgiveness is to make it easier to accept bad things do happen and move on. There's wisdom in letting go of anger to gain peace.
Our time in this life is limited so one should strive to live without regret.
That's what I wanted to say in this poem. So what do you think? Did I do it right?
Alid
author commentalidzain
Sun, 2017-03-26 14:03
Dear Audri
actually, you're not totally wrong. It is both friendship and so much more. This is like a friend giving his views/advice on how to live life without regret. Affections can be for lovers and family members. So how to say it better? errr any ideas?
Alid
author commentalidzain
Mon, 2017-03-27 15:58
Thanks Audri
what do you think of the new edit?
Alid
author commentKeith Logan
Mon, 2017-03-27 04:27
Philia
the word comes from the Greek and means that affection for family and close friends.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
alidzain
Mon, 2017-03-27 15:57
Hi Keith
did I use the word correctly or should I get rid of the line "for family and friends"?
Alid
author commentKeith Logan
Tue, 2017-03-28 01:50
In my opinion
your write is clean and clear. Although philia does mean a particular type of love I see no problem saying again, in plain English, your precise meaning in the actual instance.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Keith Logan
Sat, 2017-03-25 15:33
Can't help thinking
about Edith Piaf - Non, je ne regrette rien
If you haven't heard it try youtube and give your ears a treat.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
alidzain
Sat, 2017-03-25 16:40
Thanks, Keith
I'll check it out.
Alid
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