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Summer
Your smile is summer.
It's the time when the sky is its bluest
and the clouds are soft enough to nap in,
when the air
smells like fresh cut grass and barbecue.
When all you hear
is the ice cream truck and the neighbors’ sprinklers.
It’s the first bite
of an ice cream sandwich
during adult swim at the pool.
It’s the feeling you get
the moment you step into the air conditioned house
after playing in the hot sun.
Your smile is summer.
It’s sweet
and hopeful.
And perfect.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I usually don't put punctuation in my poems so I'm a bit hesitant. What do you think? Does it flow well without, or does it need the punctuation?
Editing stage:
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Indiana
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Comments
AnnaNJ
Sun, 2012-04-01 21:11
Thanks for the constructive
Thanks for the constructive criticism. I made the adjustments that you recommended and I reread it and it looks a lot better. Thanks!
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-04-03 01:56
This is utterly delightful,
where a poet with less innate talent would make it sound cheap and trite.
I agree with Beau's crit, and glad to see the revisions improved it so much.
Write on! Young poet.
cheers,
Jess
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AnnaNJ
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:38
Thank you! I'm glad to see
Thank you! I'm glad to see you like this one better than my first.
author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2012-04-03 04:15
this is a beautiful write
full of imagery and descriptive
bringing the reader's own memories into the poem
one suggestion,
i'd drop the 'its' at the beginning of lines 2, 6 and 11 and (maybe) 15 - in which case you'd need to lose the full stop and maybe put an hyphen thingy there...
- imho of course
i adore the last three lines
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
AnnaNJ
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:43
Do you mean take out the
Do you mean take out the periods in the line's before and ad the hyphen instead or put the hyphen where the "its" were? Thanks for all of the support!
author commentjudyanne
Thu, 2012-04-05 23:20
i mean
Your smile is summer -
sweet
and hopeful.
And perfect.
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-04-04 10:22
Oh this is great
Oh this is great, its simplicity gives it a power where those more complicated poems hide the meaning in so many ways that the message becomes a whole way to travel. It is harder to express things simply and make it good.
The only thing that made me smile here was the "adult swim" but that's how it was I expect, its just amusing, which could make one tiny less poetic dissonance in the meaning of it all. On re-reading its only me who is a dissonance I think?
How well you captured the sense of Summer, and what a most beautiful beam of sunshine the words " your smile is summer" make.
Thank you Ann of Norway.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
AnnaNJ
Thu, 2012-04-05 11:44
Thanks so much! I was worried
Thanks so much! I was worried that I had only captured the essence of my own childhood summers and I wanted others to be able to relate to it so your comment really reassure me in it. Thanks.
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