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One Day

It was autumn
and the air was crisp and cool.
I remember walking the trails
with the boy I liked
and he liked me
and that's all that mattered to me then.

We were all running down hill
kicking up sand behind us
laughing and tripping
and thinking of nothing
but the moment we were in.

If I had known of what was ahead
I would have cherished every second
instead of thinking of the sand in my hair
and the cold wind
blowing through my jacket.

We were all so young
and now I look back
and everything has changed.
Some for better and some for worse.
So many of us gone
from each other's lives
and I long for that
cool day at the beach.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Reminiscences, and this is like someone not young any more,
I would call this a prose poem as the poetry of it is not rhyming
or within a strict rhythm, But that's not bad. I see where you're
going with this, I think it is all right as it is, but would love a poem
out of it too, as the idea is good. That's just me!

Yours Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Yeah I think that's what I have to work on the most in my poetry - giving it more of a rhythm. I'm thinking of looking into the workshop for it and see if that will help. Thanks for the comment.

author comment

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hopefully I can come out with a more polished version.

author comment
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