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Lost Phone Calls (Take 2)

Submitted by AnnaNJ on Fri, 2012-04-27 11:47

Picking up the telephone to hear your voice
always comes as a shock.
It's so familiar
and yet so different.
You sound the same
but your honey-sweet words
seem to wrap around my throat
and make it impossible for me to speak.
A strangled cry the only thing
to escape my lips.

And then there's silence on the other end
as you realize that these words
don't settle warmly throughout me
like they used to just a short time ago.

Easy laughter no longer follows
your charming quips
and it makes you uncomfortable.
So you quickly make you excuses
and say your goodbyes
because we both know
that you won't stand to suffer.

And as I hang up
I try to remember the exact moment
when the air shifted
and we suddenly became strangers.

And I wonder where you've gone to.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
These is my second try at a poem I had posted earlier that I got some good criticism on and decided to try and change it a bit. It has some of the same phrases that the first one did and it has the same emotion but I'd love to hear what you guys think!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-05-04 03:00

Ian.T's picture
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Your what you call a second try at this piece is really good.
I notice in your profile that you are really new to the poetry scene.
Now is the time to join one of the excellent workshops here.
I talk about the theme's of poetry usually, but I know there is a great deal to find out in poetry, I have many pieces that I would never put here after being here for a while, as at my old age of 70 they would seem to be young and without correct structure.
Now to your ways , it is one of the best times to start to learn correct structure and form, please join a workshop not more than one at a time. and learn all there is to learn in each.
Don't change your ways of thinking just the order that you need to write about them.
There are many people here that will help you, and good luck in your ventures here, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

AnnaNJ

Fri, 2012-05-04 13:10

AnnaNJ's picture

I'll definitely look into some workshops so that I can keep learning. :)

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