Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A Part of You

Submitted by AnnaNJ on Tue, 2012-05-15 12:31

Your hands amaze me.
Strong yet tender
as the lightest touch from them
sends goosebumps trailing across my arms.
So soft and smooth
as you run your thumb across my cheek
-almost as an afterthought
before you turn away
and leave me standing here.
Breathless.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I've been working on this one for a little while and I'm not sure if I'm happy with it quite yet. Any suggestions on how to improve it?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-05-15 12:46

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

Your title tells of the contents of a love poem, without being mushy. I like that. The second line seems a bit stark and mundane:

"They're so powerful"

how about something like: {powerful but capable of great tenderness} or {strong yet tender} or something to that effect.

I love the last line! As it defines the person's effect on you. "Breathless!"

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

AnnaNJ

Tue, 2012-05-15 22:36

AnnaNJ's picture

Thank you for the pointers. I changed the second line so hopefully that's a little better.

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2012-05-17 12:18

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

a good write even better!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

AnnaNJ

Fri, 2012-05-18 11:32

AnnaNJ's picture

Thank you!

author comment

Bonitaj

Tue, 2012-05-15 16:08

Bonitaj's picture
Volunteer badge

at first reading, a powerful little poem! Evocative and well captured, you almost had me feeling those "goosebumps"!
Check the typo on "touch".
Well done!

Bonitaj

AnnaNJ

Tue, 2012-05-15 22:37

AnnaNJ's picture

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Also thanks for letting me know about the typo I probably wouldn't have noticed that.

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-05-18 11:41

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

but i would cut
' as the lightest touch from them
sends goosebumps trailing across my arms'
to.
'the lightest touch
sends goosebumps trailing'
just imho there loses the breathlessness of the write with their length

i enjoyed this
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

AnnaNJ

Fri, 2012-05-18 15:17

AnnaNJ's picture

Will do, thanks for the suggestion. :)

author comment

raj

Sat, 2012-05-19 15:49

in a few lines you have painted vivid sensuous moments in a very effective manner..

raj (sublime_ocean)

AnnaNJ

Sat, 2012-05-19 20:03

AnnaNJ's picture

Thank you! That means a lot.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.