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One Day - Edited

Submitted by AnnaNJ on Fri, 2012-05-18 11:43

Looking up at the autumn sky
peeking out behind the trees,
whose amber leaves looked even more brilliant
with the sun shining through them,
and I remembered a day like today.

A day where the air was crisp and cool
and filled our lungs with a freshness
that wasn't always there.
And I walked the trails with that one boy,
our shoulders lightly brushing against one another,
smiling to ourselves
as our friends raced around us.

A strong breeze
tangled my hair
and confused our words
until they got lost
somewhere between us,
carried up and away by the wind.
But we were content with this quiet.

And then we were all running downhill
kicking up sand behind us,
laughing and tripping
and thinking of nothing
but the moment we were in.

We were all so young
and everything has changed.
So many of us gone
from each other's lives.
And I long for that one
chilly day at the beach.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Fri, 2012-05-18 12:07

Candlewitch's picture
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"One day" this title intrigues! Suggestion:

I looked up at the autumn sky
this line I would change to
(looking up at the autumn sky)
as it feels more smooth and poetic and I would change this:

There was a strong breeze
that tangled my hair
and confused our words
until they got lost
somewhere between us,
carried up and away by the wind.
But we were happy with the quiet.

a strong breeze
tangled my hair
then confusing our words
until they were lost
somewhere between us,
carried away by the wind
but we were content with this quiet

I liked this wistful poem and these ending lines:

We were all so young
and everything has changed.
So many of us gone
from each other's lives.
And I long for that one
chilly day at the beach.

always, Cat

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AnnaNJ

Fri, 2012-05-18 15:19

AnnaNJ's picture

I'm glad you liked it! I think you're right. I'll make those few changes, thanks for the suggestion. :)

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