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Stone Cold...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2020-04-19 22:06

She's stone cold and frozen hard
No warmth to her at all
He's lost her attention, he's failed
He is standing in the hall

He is amazed and bewildered
He cannot comprehend
How suddenly things have changed
How quickly it's come to an end

Funny how it happens, isn't it?
He's lost his position in line
Stutter just once, it's over
And you'll be left behind

Now you see that fire stoked
For the someone that is new
A blush of beginning for him
And end of the line for you

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen. I've seen her do it before.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

MrsEmarie

Mon, 2020-04-20 08:50

MrsEmarie's picture

We all know one (or two, or three, or we are one). Nice imagery in this. The physical emotion is present here and don't we all know the feeling of it. I particularly liked the juxtaposition of her being stone cold and frozen solid in the first stanza and in the final stanza you describe the blush of beginning...Feeling some inspiration here! Thank you for that!

-Emarie

- Emarie ~ theladyblue

Geezer

Mon, 2020-04-20 12:18

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I had hopes that the reader would get the implication of the "Serial Lover" as you called her. I like that for a title, but if I had used it, I think that it may have ruined it for some. Glad to have helped with a bit of inspiration and hope that your write will be coming forth soon. ~ Geezer.
.

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c lynn brooks

Tue, 2020-04-21 09:13

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wow now that is quick and to the point and on to the next victim

Chrys

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Geezer

Tue, 2020-04-21 09:53

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Thank you for your read and comments, I tried to show just how brutal it can be. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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Gracy

Tue, 2020-04-21 11:43

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Hi Gee, harsh poem, those serial lovers leave a woman stone cold, as you say. I'd only remove some the "the"s, you have so many of them in S1&2.
Enjoyed, if that's the word. Haven't had the misfortune to meet a serial lover.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Geezer

Wed, 2020-04-22 11:50

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the serial lover, she uses them up and discards them. She is always looking for something to entertain her and she gets bored quickly. Last summer, it was going to the Hamptons and partying with the rich folk. Then it was skiing and snowmobiles, now she has dumped the latest [motorcycles] and is into hot cars. Never satisfied and always looking for new thrills.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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lovedly

Tue, 2020-04-21 13:21

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many serialists are still BOLD
nice poem western Gee
thanks from me'
for being the only one
reading me

Gracy

Wed, 2020-04-22 19:40

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Sorry, Gee, I'm so used to hearing about serial male lovers (and killers), that I didn't notice the difference. Well done, a different take is always interesting. Take care, there may one of those women on your horizon!

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Geezer

Thu, 2020-04-23 10:37

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Not me! I'm done with that long ago. Thirty years of being with the same woman, has ruined me for any other. ~ Geezer.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2020-05-07 16:38

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I've seen most of everything, but stuff still amazes me!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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