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Solar Power:
With shift paradigm
waning wilting wintertime
shining star turns prime
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Show must go on
Editing stage:
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Comments
IRiz
Mon, 2017-11-27 19:30
I think it is a sweet attempt
I think it is a sweet attempt to write a haiku.
Alliteration is literally delicious.
For me the most important aspect of haiku is a conflict or antithesis within.
The first two lines provide a setting, while the last one shows unexpected reaction to the given.
The response should make the reader gusp for air.
I see here is well structured intellectual write though.
More on the subject. Mentioning of the season is often considered of a less importance, using double meaning of words is more essential. Even the 5-7-5 rule was suggested to be of less significance.
Here is one example of Basho's poem that I think is haiku.
Pitifully -- under
a great soldier's empty helmet,
a cricket sings.
IRiz
OriginalRhyku
Tue, 2017-11-28 12:15
IRiz (pronounced I Rise or Iris?)
Thanks for your review.
Basho's Haiku is unabashedly good although as you mentioned it does not align with the Haiku
5-7-5 syllable format it is actually 6-9-4 (based on the syllable count in the following website:
https://www.howmanysyllables.com/syllable_counter/ )
Having said that, I detect two possible meanings from Basho's Haiku
1) the literal version: a soldier's empty helmet covers a pitifully singing cricket
2) the underlying version: its pitiful that a once great soldiers brain is deteriorating.
My Rhykus are not so esoteric: like me (the creator of the Rhyku format (based on a Haiku 5-7-5 syllable requirement, the three lines must rhyme and there is usually a descriptive title)) the Rhykus are direct, easy to understand and to the point. I like the minimalist aspect of the Haikus and Rhykus and many of my Rhykus are about political and current events that are not the usual subjects of Haikus. The great thing about art in general and poetry in particular is that not everyone may understand or even like the content but it brings contentment to the creator and like-minded persons. Thanks again for your input.
author commentIRiz
Tue, 2017-11-28 12:24
How interesting and
How interesting and innovative.
Forgive my mistake I took your poem as a haiku.
Seeing more examples of your art will make me more accustom to the form. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Respectfully,['irīs]
IRiz
OriginalRhyku
Wed, 2017-11-29 09:07
IRiz
No need to be apologetic - I welcome all critiques and your response is a graceful one.
Please provide your feedback for my previous work also. Thanks for your input.
author commentIRiz
Wed, 2017-11-29 09:19
Thank you, I will do it with
Thank you, I will do it with pleasure.
Although I am a slow reader and will take my time.
Be my guest and visit my collection as well either here or on Google plus platform (link is provided on my page). Your input is appreciated.
IRiz