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sipping my jasmine petal tea

Submitted by Tracey Underwood on Sun, 2022-03-06 14:40

The dishes are put away, the laundry is folded and
the children are playing on the freshly mowed grass outside;
their laughter, like elongated radio waves,
travel down the street, playing acapella until the ice-cream truck
chimes in and a familiar duet is born.

I sit within the sunflower alcove
sipping my jasmine petal tea as the late afternoon sun
dares to peek inside my sanctuary.
My toes daintily play a concerto with the shadows;
the deliberate dance beckons like a prism
that bewitches its sensual repertoire.
I imagine you there, your presence,
a virility of sexual power,
enhances my feminine desire to submit to you.

The need to feel is overwhelming
as my hands claim flesh
that smolders for the sake of pleasurable secrets;

I catch myself in mid-climatic ecstasy,
content for the charm
and the freedom of the want --

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Race_9togo

Mon, 2022-03-07 21:56

Race_9togo's picture
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Actually, better than good. The way you take the reader from the daily routines of suburban life into the secret ecstacy of arousal and release is quite stunning. There is a helplessness here, a sense of being powerless in the face of such sudden lust that is both intensely passionate, and extremely beautiful, especially when juxtaposed by the sound of the children, and the linking of the two events by the sipping of the jasmine tea (I love the stuff too!)
Well done.
The only criticism I have is that, like most of your work that I have read, there are places where the poem becomes a bit wordy, so go through it with a fine tooth comb, be ruthless, and cut out any extra words like 'the' and 'and'. But only cut them if you decide that their abscence does not change the meaning, because, again, this is good. Very, very good.
Keep writing.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Tracey Underwood

Tue, 2022-03-08 07:20

Tracey Underwood's picture

Thank you for the feedback! I will edit this and try to eliminate the redundant words. Thanks again.

Love and light. Namaste.

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-03-08 08:24

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I find, if I read my poem out loud, it helps me write better. then you can feel the roughness or smoothness of the poem. that is all I have to add, except, you have some beautiful ideas and you put your heart and soul into your writing.

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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Race_9togo

Tue, 2022-03-08 12:21

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but Cat is absolutely correct. Reading aloud will show you where the cadence flows, and when too many words cause the rythym to stutter. Good point, sorry I missed it.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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