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I'll take a lime with my corona please

The alcove nestles itself between the mountains
and the ocean, just like the soft crevice between your
mother's breasts, that comforted you as a child.
Sounds of current soar aloft, and orchestrate
the azure sky into a aria of soft tones.

The small path leading down past the palm trees,
invites the senses, as the lush foliage is replaced
with the softness of granular downy.

It's like walking on velvet skies,
and you can still see the imprint of footfall
of an earlier escapade upon the white sand,
before the crescendo of turquoise waves
washes over them, leaving the
shoreline immaculate and alluring;
as if the beach itself is a waning virgin,
enjoying her first taste of passion.

The tart sweetness of lime,
tickles your hungry lips as it's
plucked from a newly opened bottle of Corona.

Eyes shut, relaxation commences--

"You've got a call on line one."

"Hello, are you there?"

I then realize it's not a good idea to stare at
The World's Best Beaches calendar
while at work...

God I need a vacation!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

for the unexpected twist of lie, [I mean lime]! This tickled my fancy and made me chuckle this morning. You hit me with the ending just right! It was out of the blue and totally unexpected! The only line I would change is; as the plush foliage is replaced
with the softness of granular downy.
I think that one more often associates [lush] instead of plush with foliage and granular is mostly thought of as being grainy rather than downy, downy being thought of as fluffy like a duck, or feathery as a bird. Other than that, I liked this much. Good twist! ~ Geezer,
.

Writing purely for oneself, is the ultimate in defensive posture.

Yes the word plush didnt really fit in. I changed it. Thank you!

Love and light. Namaste.

author comment

I had the same visual reaction to "granular downy" as Geez did. please work on this line? I liked the rest of the poem.

*hugs, Cat

p.s.
I would like to see an entry from you, on the "Emotions In Colors contest" have a great weekend.

*

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thanks for the feedback! Its appreciated.

Love and light. Namaste.

author comment

I have enjoyed reading your work this far. you are a prolific writer, several pieces in just as many days.... I am looking forward to reading more of your writing.

Agreed with both others about the "Downey" word...

I would add, That I wanted to see more metaphysical sense in the locations you name in the poem.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate all advice I get.

Love and light. Namaste.

author comment

i really like azure+aria, and the image of granular downy. if im interpreting that correctly thats like borax soap? i love the semi paradoxical comparison of that to sand, and a lot of the other visual comparisons that you have in this. I do however think the last four lines are unneccesary; "youve got a call on line one" already told me what I need to know, that someone is in thier happy place at work, and ending on "Hello are you there" would leave the reader with that 'shhhhhhh' moment if you know what I mean. its that snap right at the end of getting slingshotted, in that instant, back to reality. either way this is really amazing

Thank you for the review! Your input is appreciated.

Love and light. Namaste.

author comment
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