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SHE LIED!

Submitted by Jackweb on Sun, 2022-05-01 10:59

Your love is an eclipse of lies where you've drawn
your MOUTH broadly spreads like a fire drone

your integrity is under the moon's surveillance
your heart streams with extravagance

this bricks of your negative attitude
shall set thee up in extreme magnitude

'cause you already dented your image,
now their heart is full of anger and rage!

when will you ever change for the better
and become a woman of pace setter?

time is fleeting, do not wait any more,
desire for self improvement ever more.

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

[This option has been removed]

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Sun, 2022-05-01 13:28

dear onyinyechi,

in s #1: Your love is eclipse of lies were you've drawn try: your love is (an) eclipse of lies (where)
l#2: your MOUTH broadly spreads like fire drone (a) fire drone.
#3: your integrity is under moon's surveillance: (the) moon's
this line: when will you ever change for (the) better
I like your title, simple yet elegant. the flow and language usage are good. you need a little help with your articles (words like a, the, an etc.) I really liked the premise on which your poem was built.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Jackweb

Sun, 2022-05-01 13:40

Heart felt thanks!

I am working on it now. Good read Cat. Your critique always gives me satisfaction and confidence. I learn day by day through your constructive feedback. I can't thank you enough.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2022-05-01 14:40

Since Cat has...

here first, there is not much for me to do.
She has given you the best advice one could give and makes me feel like
I have been too easy on you. Hopefully, you will take her counsel and
you will have a wonderful poem. Your title is good, the language use is too.
The flow from beginning to end was fairly smooth and taking Cat's advice will make it better. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Jackweb

Sun, 2022-05-01 15:16